🩹scared | taegyu

🩹thirty-seven

hideous and heartbroken

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

taehyun smiles into the kiss. but the hapiness is short-lived. after what just feels like ten seconds of pure bliss, everything turns into heart wrenching pain. 

beomgyu's eyes are wide as he pushes a confused and hurt taehyun away. he gets off the sofa with a unreadable expression. and taehyun feels his heart drop to the bottom of his stomach. 

"hyung-" he croaks out, confused and sad. did he do something wrong? is he not a good kisser? 

"i don't know why i did that! i'm so sorry, taehyun!" beomgyu scrambles away from him with fear-ridden eyes. defensively putting his hands up in front of him, as if taehyun is dangerous. 

!! trigger warning !!

"wha-what?" taehyun's eyes burn and he feels a familiar lump in his throat. he knows beomgyu is regretting everythings. it makes him feel disgusting. 

disgusting, disgusting, disgusting. kang taehyun you're disgusting. how could you do this? how could you? you're so fucking disgusting. what makes you think you deserve this!?

"why did i do that?" beomgyu mutters to himself, backing further away from taehyun as he stands up from the sofa.

"hyung?-" taehyun's voice cracks. has he done something wrong? what's beomgyu's problem?

"hyung-" taehyun can't hold back the tears. his heart is throbbing in his chest and everything is spinning. the asshole that just stole his first kiss, and all the kisses after that suddenly regrets it?

"this is so wrong. oh my god!" beomgyu shouts out in frustration. he shouldn't be frustrated, taehyun should be. he should be screaming his lungs out and crying. but instead he loathes in past memories and bad thoughts. 

you're so fucking disgusting, kang taehyun! you should've just died back then! you're so disgusting!

taehyun doesn't understand. the voice in his head is right. you're so disgusting. he feels his heart thud painfully in his chest as he watches beomgyu grimace. am i that hideous to you?  of course you are. of course i am. 

he feels completely numb as beomgyu wipes his mouth. am i that disgusting to you? of course i am. definetly. no doubt about it. 

"i didn't mean to." beomgyu looks at the floor, "it felt right then. but i know it's wrong!"

"what are you talking about?!" taehyun cries out, balling his fists as he tries to walk closer to beomgyu. but the older only backs further away.

you're disgusting! you should be dead. you disgust me kang taehyun. you should've killed yourself all those years ago. you don't deserve to live. 

"shut up!" taehyun screams. trying to silence the voice in his head, begging for him to just end it all. taehyun has gone to therapy, to learn how to fight the voice away, but it isn't working. 

"it's wrong, taehyun. we shouldn't be doing this."

"doing what? is a damn kiss that dangerous?! are you scared people might call you a fa****" taehyun screams. he hates feeling furious and heartbroken. 

"please, let's just pretend it never happened. please." 

you're disgusting.

"i won't do it again!" taehyun yells, "i won't do it ever again. okay? are you happy now?!" 

taehyun doesn't want to pretend it never happened. instead he wants to hit beomgyu, throw things at him and scream at the top of his lungs. he doesn't want to pretend it's okay. but he doesn't have a choice. 

he wants to do it again, he desperately wants to kiss him again. but why is beomgyu taking advantage of his feelings? and hurting him without explanation? and why is the voice so fucking loud?!

suddenly the pain is just too overwhelming. this is taehyun's first proper heartbreak. and it's so fucking painful. he wobbles and falls to his knees. putting his head in his hands, sobbing his heart out. half screaming at beomgyu, half screaming at the voice; 

"get out! get out of my fucking house. get out, right now! GET OUT!" 

 

 
taehyun pukes his guts out over the toilet. wiping his puffy eyes with a piece of toilet paper. his mum isn't home yet.  he desperately needs her home. right now. 

taehyun can't stop the vomit and swears pieces of his heart come up alongside yesterday's dinner. he wants everything gone. every little piece of beomgyu has to exit his body, right now. 

all the thoughts, the memories, his scent, his taste, taehyun wants absolutely everything gone. even the things he taught him. the second world war can suck my ass. 

"how could he do this to me?" taehyun sobs into the loo. dry-heaving as he flushes the toilet, sighing miserably. 

"why did i have to invite him in? why did he have to be so nice? why did he have to be my fucking tutor?!" 

thinking about how horribly he was rejected just a few hours ago makes him want to shrivel up into a human the size of a raisin and flush himself down the toilet. together with his severed heart and the thoughts of beomgyu constantly occupying his mind. 

"i'll kill him. i swear to god, i'll kill you, choi beomgyu." taehyun weeps, his torn heart beats painfully in his chest. it even hurts to breathe. 

"but i don't want to." taehyun falls to the floor with a thud, "i don't want to kill you."

"i want you to come back and tell- tell me this is all a sick joke. please come back. please-please mend my heart, beommie." 

crocodile tears roll down his cheeks and he sniffles snot back up his nose. why does it hurt so much? why does beomgyu want me to hurt like this? i thought he was nice. 

"please come back. i don't want to be alone. please." he croaks out painfully. 

he holds his breath. listening as a car drives up the gravel driveway and parks in front of his house. keys rattle in the front door's lock and hyejin comes inside. you should've killed yourself back then. 

"raindrop? blossom?" she yells out and taehyun's eyes fill with tears again. 

"mommy!" he cries and she hurries into the bathroom. gasping as she sees her son on the floor, with sick on his sweater and red, puffy eyes. 

"raindrop, what's wro-" 

"my heart! it's it's broken. my heart is so- so broken i can't breathe!"

"raindrop-" hyejin drops to her knees, wrapping her arms around her crying son. fighting back her own tears. who has hurt her baby like this? who does she have to kill?

"i'm- i'm hideous and heartbroken!" 

☁️

taehyun is heartbroken :(

i'm going through a best friend breakup. putting my feelings into this chapter was relieving.

sorry lol. plz forgive me :'(
i love you. this book is keeping me goinc at the moment. please don't be too angry at me.

(they/them)