🩹scared | taegyu

🩹fifty-three

choi fucking beomgyu.

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

"taehyun! wait, taehyun!" beomgyu screams as taehyun walks further down the street. 

"stop! don't be a loser taehyun! don't run away like i do! stop being like me!" 

"i'll tell you everything hyun!"

"and how do you expect me to believe that?!" taehyun spits with his back turned. 

"because i'm sick of lying. i'm so fucking sick of hiding!" 

taehyun chokes back a scoff. he isn't convinced at all and keeps walking. beomgyu's heart stops, he can't breathe, all he wants to do is scream; so he does. 

"when i was little i had to hide in my closet on the weekends!" beomgyu yells after taehyun and the other slowly stops in his tracks. 

"my mum and dad would always have nasty fights when they were together for too long! and when my dad left for work, she'd always put the blame on me! as if it was my fault their marriage was falling apart!"

beomgyu's heart tries to beat itself out of his ribcage as he screams. he hasn't been this honest in a while, maybe he hasn't even been this honest ever? but in this situation, he has to. he can't let taehyun go again. 

"beomgyu, this is why dad wants to leave you. all you do all day is read your stupid comics and act up all the time. why do you do that, beomgyu? what is wrong with you?" he bitterly quotes his mother's words. 

taehyun wants to scream. the same feeling he felt when soobin's parents told their daughters to shut up washes over him like ice water. how could you do that to someone? how could you do that to your kid?

"i hated her so much for saying that! even though i knew it was true! i hated her for being too honest with me! i wish she would've lied!" beomgyu cries, taking tiny steps closer and closer to where taehyun is further down the street. 

"so i locked myself in my room and hid in the closet, with a flashlight and heaps of detective conan comics. but when she found out what i was doing, she took my flashlight, and i became afraid of the dark, because that's when i'd remember the things she always told me" 

taehyun's heart hurts, but he keeps his back turned, he can't give in yet. he can hear how difficult it is for beomgyu to breathe, how he's hyperventilating as he's spilling his biggest secret behind him. 

"eventually, they divorced and that's when she finally went crazy. and when she was forcibly admitted to the psychward, my dad got full custody of me, as she was an unfit parent. but i knew he didn't want me! because she never lied to me!"

"and i know that she's my mum, until then i had always forgiven her, because she was my mum." beomgyu chokes back a sob, as he feels the tears well up in his eyes. he hates crying. 

"but the last time i visited her in the psychward, she told me she was better off without me, that's when she finally died. that's when she was finally dead to me. because i know she never lies!"

taehyun's eyes well up, he can't imagine all the pain beomgyu has been through. all the pain he has been hiding. all the fear he has been feeling around women, let alone his own mum. and as these thoughts are being thought, he bets he's crying as much as beomgyu now. 

"and my dad remarried. i got the stereotypical disney step-mum and i hated being alive. i hate living with them so fucking badly. they don't want me around, i know they don't, i know they hate me! i'm like a old piece of furniture they've had for so long it's too heavy and hard to get rid of."

if that sentence was written on a piece of paper, too heavy would be in bold lettering. and that's when taehyun realises that beomgyu weighs so little for a reason. he's scared of being too heavy. but he's neither a piece of furniture nor too big and heavy. 

"i was and have always been invisible to my dad! i started acting up and getting in trouble on purpose just so he'd come and pick me up whenever i got suspended. even if he had a sour expression on his face or yelled at me i always smiled. even those times he slapped me in the face for being a prick, it felt like a warm hug to me. because i wasn't invisible anymore!"

"all i wanted was attention! i wanted him to see me, i want people to see me and worry about me. and you do worry, you do care about me, at least i think you still do. because when you came around i didn't feel like an old chest of drawers anymore!" 

beomgyu is getting closer and closer. and his words are quieter and quieter. but taehyun hears everything he has to say clearly. he can always hear what beomgyu wants to say, even his whispers are loud as if screamed into a microphone to taehyun. 

but it's when beomgyu chooses to be quiet, taehyun knows what he wants to say the most. please, don't leave me. please, love me. i need you. 

"and one night when they confiscated my night light as some sort of stupid punishment, i looked around my dark bedroom with a smile on my face, because finally i felt like someone needed me, someone loved me, i smiled because i wasn't alone anymore. there was finally someone who wanted me around."

"i need you! beomgyu screams after taehyun, "kang taehyun, i need you!"

"i didn't tell you earlier, because i was too scared! you and your mommy accepted me so easily into your hearts and comforted me when i needed a family the most. i was just scared of how comfortable i was getting. because what if you left? what if her and dad found out who i was, or should i say who i am? what if all hell broke loose?"

"what the fuck would i do then?"  beomgyu's words rip out of his throat and a million weights are lifted off his shoulders. 

"but as seulgi told me the news, i realised how much i need you around. i realised how fucking scared i am without you. and how much i hate myself for pushing you away just because i was scared. you helped me become myself, that's why i need you."

"so who are you, choi beomgyu?" taehyun asks and turns around to face the other. beomgyu is a few metres away now, his face is red and he won't stop crying. "who the hell are you?"

"i'm choi fucking beomgyu! i'm as queer as ever and i'm so fucking in love with you!"

☁️

thank your for 40k reads. writing makes my dreams come to life, i'm happy you like what i have inside my head.

can you name something that comforts you and why?

the rain comforts me, because it knock on my windows to let me know i'm not alone ♡