Destined By The Waves

Closer

Joy

"What the fuck is wrong with you, Faith?", I ask her as I sit up and turn around to face her.

"Joy... relax baby, you'll hurt your leg," she says gently.

"Care to explain why the hell you are doing this?," I ask irritatedly.

"I just told you Joy, to ease your pain," she says softly, making me even more irritated at how casually she keeps saying that.

"I told you already I don't need your pity Faith. I don't know what makes you think this is your fault, but it's not, so stop letting your guilt and pity make you do things that you find inappropriate and disgusting," I rant angrily.

I hate this new side of you, Faith. I want my fierce Faith back, who knew what she will or won't put up with, who knew when and where to draw a line.

"Disgusting? What are you talking about Joy? That's not how I feel," she says, shaking her head as she continues, "I am doing this because I want to, Joy. Not because of any guilt or pity. I can't see you in this pain" she says unapologetically.

"You want to do this?," I ask her, motioning between her and me.

"Yes," she says firmly.

A dry, hollow laugh escapes from my lips.

"What is so funny about this Joy? I am sure you have done this with a hundred other girls before, so what's the problem here?," she asks me in a low, hurt tone.

"Seriously? A hundred other girls? That's what this means to you Faith? A night with no strings attached? Because I... I have never had a problem with nights like that," I ask her growing more and more edgy every moment.

How do I tell you Faith, there are already strings attached, and they are entangled and knotted irrevocably?

Are they invisible to you?

"What does it mean to you?," she asks me instead. God, can she answer one question straight?

"Can you stop playing these games with me Faith? Tell me what is going on here?," I am running out of my patience with her.

"Just tell me what this means to you Joy? If this means a night with no strings attached, then it will be just that," she says with a finality in her tone that makes my heart clench in my chest. Seriously?

"What the fuck are you saying, Faith? Are you high or something? I don't understand what has happened to you. You want to know what this means to me? It doesn't matter what it means to me, Faith... You wanna know why? Because I know for a fact that this will mean a lot fucking more to you... And, it really bothers me that you want to go ahead with this anyway.

Is it because you think you owe me help because I helped you earlier? Or is it some other fucking logic you are tricking yourself with? Because I know you Faith. This is not you... So will you please tell me now, why are you doing this nonsense that you are doing? I am losing my mind over this", I finally snap at her, her words hurt me more than my crushed leg hurts and boy, it is crushed bad.

"I don't understand why are you so angry at me. I thought you wanted this too," she says, almost on the verge of breaking down.

"Not like this, Faith," my mouth betrays me in anger, unintentionally.

She looks at me with surprise and confusion. I sigh.

Fine. I am done hiding what I feel about her. I am done hating all the unsaid things between us. I need honest answers from her, so I will ask her honest questions.