Remember Me, Mi Amore

16

"Kaya ko naman ipagdrive sarili ko. Hindi mo na dapat ako sinundo." My sight did not leave him. I wanted my big wide eyes to leave a mark on him to always remember this moment. "I carried through the days that you weren't by my side. So, I think going to the school alone and also driving, ay kaya kong gawin."

I turned my back with the mind to never look back. I know that he feels bad at what he said and did to me. It was obvious by the way his mouth fell and his brows turned down. He even scratched the sides of his eyes as his mind probably thought about what he said. Deserve, indeed.

"Anne–" I could hear his steps advancing towards me– "hindi naman gano'n yung point ko. I didn't mean to make you feel upset." My ears twitched at what he said to me.

"If you didn't mean it, at least think of the possibility. Isa sa mga possibility na 'yun ay ang pagiging upset ko na nakikita mo ngayon," I let the words pour out of my mouth. Yes, that is exactly what I am feeling at the moment.

"Okay, then sorry. Truly, sorry." He held the door of the car that I opened.

My gut told me that his eyes are laid upon me. To make sure that it was true, I turned my head against him. It was indeed true. My mind was blank. I didn't have anything to say to his apologies to me. I didn't have anything to say to even argue with him. I kept my mouth shut and returned to my car.

I held the handle that was keeping his hands being in bang with pain. In me, I hoped that he would get off his hand right now in that spot. I needed to close the door but at the same time, I don't want to hurt him. I don't want to hurt somebody.

"Anne—"

"Tanggalin mo 'yung hands mo sa car door ko," I cut him off with his words. I don't want anything to come out from his mouth that will pass my ear right now. I don't want to do that because I... I hate the way he is making me feel.

When his hand finally left its place, I slammed the door in front of him. I started the engine of my car, I rolled the steering wheel with my fingers and wrists. I bit my cheeks as I can see at the rear window, the house where I left him. It was getting small and smaller as a question popped inside my head. 'Is this my reality now?'

It's a thing that I can't help but to ask myself. Because looking at where I stand now, this time, right now, it's different. Very different. All things seem to be on my back right now and I can't help but feel the heavy weight of it.

This thing with Forsythe is the one bothering me the most in my lists of problems. He is making me feel weird things towards him. It's making me have a weird attraction. Making me... confuse. Making me put my mind on the chaos of repetition and never finding answers in that chaos.

I hate him but at the same time, I don't. I want to shout at him but I also want to talk to him in a calm voice. I want to slam his face on what he did wrong to me but at the same time, I don't want to do that because his face would be a waste. I want to grab the roots of his hair and pulled it very hard but at the same time, I want to caress it because it looks very soft, like he always uses a good conditioner. I also want to rip his eyes out but at the same time, I just want to stare at it like a sky on a sunny afternoon.

I just want to... I don't know. It's all making me confuse. I'm having a lot of bottled up feelings right now.

"Sad girl mo, Anne," I whispered to myself as a heavy breath escaped my nose.

Gosh! These problems are making me ugly! I feel like a fifty-year-old woman! Tapos I even look like a fifty-year-old! What is happening?! This is unacceptable! 

Oh well, there's nothing that make-up can't fix. I applied some things in my face that made me feel confident and made me happy. After that, I still felt like I'm still an old lady! I guess I'm gonna treat myself to a shopping spree later!