Remember Me, Mi Amore

23

After a week.

The heavy weight that was on my feelings the moment that I pressed that button was in a way that was so heavy more than ever. I know that all the blame was on me. I blame myself too. I can't believe that I just suddenly did that. But what can I do? What other choices do I have? I was not ready to face her yet. I missed her... But there is still some part of me that doesn't. I'm afraid that when I see her face, that part of me will hover on the other. I don't want that to happen. For now.

I sighed as I put my hands on the railings of my balcony. I overlooked the scenery that was lying in front of me. It was just mostly the top of houses and fog. The scene in front of me was ugly. I don't know why but I looked down. When I know in fact that it was just the road and some bushes that were swaying with the wind.

I was right on that part. But in the other. When I looked down, what I saw was the cause of my eyebrows furrowing and that odd feeling that was on my heart again.

For him, after a week or two passed, it was constant pushing and pulling. It was him who was pushing for us to talk and it was me pulling away from that talk. I know that Timothee had said some words to me that day. I let all those things sink in my mind. Because I know he has a point.

But talking to him is just full of fear. He is the monster at night that I was avoiding at night to not have nightmares of. Talking to him was even the bigger monster that keeps my legs wobbly and my hands sweating out of fear.

I know when his mouth will open and his tongue will roll some words, things that I liked to say straight at his eyes, seems to disappear. Even just while looking at his face, eyes, nose or ears. Talking to him is just not for me. Because the odd feeling that I know from my heart just keeps getting odder. The bearing of my heart that was fast, even more, become faster. All that crap that I was feeling towards him.

We looked at each other. My eyes held a lot of emotions that were fighting each one to be at the top. While his eyes held an emotion that was only one. It was begging. I know that look.

That is always the eyes that he likes to give when he greets me from the first thing in the morning at the front of my house, this is what he gives me when our lunch break was over and he was in front of my room. This was the look that always leaves me feeling guilty but wanting to look away.

But to me, there was only one way. It was looking away from him and turning my back. Like all the times that I've done this to him too, I did that without a mind to look back.

After that evening of him waiting outside of my house, tomorrow came. I breathed in front of the mirror as I looked at how I was dressed up for this day. Just like other days in school. We are wearing uniforms kasi. Kaya wala namang nagbabago sa mga outfits ko. I looked good and fresh.

When I heard a knock from my room, I breathed again. I know what follows after that hard knuckle that touched my door hardly. It was the information of someone who was waiting on me. 'Anne, andito 'yung kaibigan mo.' That was the only case that people told me that.

I'm shocked at how resilient Forsythe is. He always waits for me despite me pushing him. Where did he get his patient? Because I aspire to have patience like his too. But... I guess even if I knew where he got that, I will not have that much like him. We are just both different.

I grabbed my bag and got myself together before I go out of my room. The moment that clicking sound was heard by my ears because I locked the room, my heartbeat was becoming faster and faster at any moment. As I put my one foot after another, there was part of my mind that was whispering on my ear, over and over, that there was something wrong.