Remember Me, Mi Amore

31

I visited my mother.

It was early in the morning. So early that the stars and the moon are still up there. But it was fine for me even though I haven't had a good sleep today. I mean I hardly had any good sleep for a while now so...

When I will be there later, I will try to sneak in a nap. Also, I needed to go there because I need to replace Dad. After all, he is still the one who's there till this morning when I woke up. He needed some rest so I'm giving it out to him.

I wrapped my coat around my body even more. I felt the morning breeze coming over my body. I felt like swimming in Antarctica in this weather. I've gotten used to the burning-furnace-like weather in the Philippines that even just a whiff of little air outside my coat makes me shiver to death and make my tongue froze at the spot.

I untwist the doorknob that will be the entryway of where I was supposed to go. When I did that, I saw my Dad seating near my mother. He was holding my mother's hand and was closing his eyes. I don't know if he's asleep or just resting his eyes.

"Dad," I whispered then tapped twice on the door gently, trying not to wake up the other one who was in bed and sleeping.

Because he heard my attention-grabbing noise, his attention was on me now. He smiled gently at me. I made one foot after the other then walks towards him. I kissed him on the cheek after that.

"You can go home now Dad. Ako na bahala magbantay kay Mom," I said to him. He patted my head after I said that, then move his head up and down as an answer to my request of him going home.

"Are you sure that you want to stay here? It's the middle of midnight Anne. You have work to do tomorrow," he reminded me of the adult things I needed to do as if I don't forget about that all the time.

"It's fine Dad. I'll figure out a way para makapasok ako bukas," I reassured him that. Sometimes I speak Tagalog because I needed a grip on something that will remind me what my life used to be.

He stared at me for a few seconds. I chuckled lightly but not too much that it will turn into a peal of laughter. It seems like I convinced him because he got up from his seat and bid his goodbyes with me. He also said some advice me on what to do. Like I haven't done this for a long while now.

I sat where my father sat just a few seconds ago. My nose breathed a long sigh then I looked at my mother whose eyes are closed and she looked like an angel while she was sleeping soundly. So soundly. I made my fingers entangled with her other finger too. I put it up and touched the needle on her hand with my lips. I used my other hand to pull up the blanket that was sitting at the top of her body.

Every midnight, this was my scene. She, with eyes closed and her, breathing with her chest up and down. Sometimes she would wake up but it was just a moment that she will steal from time.

But I always love those short moments, I treasure it, I keep it in the bottom of my heart, every time I will see her iris looking at me. She had the same eyes like mine but I love hers more. All the things I could do so that those short moments will be much, much longer. I will sell my soul just to look at it.

This was my scene too. Me, holding her hand while silently hoping, wishing, anticipate and all the things you could think of that would describe my hopefulness of her waking up and her state getting better. I would always kiss it too because my Dad said that was the thing she always did when I was the one in her position. Because of her ample amount of hands kissing that time, I woke up. That's why I always did that.

"I'm sorry Mom..." what followed was a silence of pause. I always say the same words, yet here I am. Still being emotional about it. Still slowly, having formed a droplet of water in the side of my eyes. "I should have been there by your side. I should have listened to you, answered your calls... I should have... Dapat nag-isip ako ng mabuti and not let my emotions take over me. I'm so sorry mother. I should have been more mature at that time. I'm sorry for pushing you away from me," I said to her, sometimes stopping and trying to find words, trying to find the right words.

I felt the droplets of water became a waterfall that was nonstop falling on my cheeks. I felt my heart beating nothing but pure pain as it goes and goes. I felt nothing in my stomach but the heavy weight of so many regrets that I did just because of something that I should've done but didn't instead. I felt every emotion that I always feel at night when I say to my mother my biggest regret in life. It was pure chaos of blue, hurt, pain, the unstopped punch in my heart, the deep realization that I always got drown in, and the weight of everything that always remind me of what I should have done.

"I'm sorry Ma. I love you so much," I said, half stuttering and half crying. "Please wake up now. Please get better now. I'm here, just like you always wanted. I'm here now because I realized my mistakes and not letting my emotions came over me, Mom. Please... just please..." I sob came out from my mouth that made the waterfall became more fall like a worn-out faucet, "get better now."

I bit my cheeks to stop myself from getting louder. I stopped myself to turn my sob into a whole sound of distress and something that bursts all the pain out of me. I bit my cheeks harder as it was getting harder for me to breathe and stop myself from being quiet.

I groaned when someone was tapping my skin over and over again. I raised my eyebrows and got up from where I was sleeping from. What the heck?

"What?" I said with my voice croaking and my half-shouting tone. It was so early in the morning! Who dared to wake me up?! I rubbed my eyes because it was still blurry after the long closeness of my eyelids.

"I'm sorry Anne. Mais c'est trop tôt, tu dois te réveiller. Tu as encore du travail, tu te souviens?" Oh, it was just my Dad. He just said that it was early in the morning and I have work to do too. I forgot about that.

"Droite." I answered his question which means right.

I shook my head to awaken my senses. I didn't realize that I fell asleep while looking out for my Mom. Which we are speaking off, I looked at her. I saw that she was still asleep soundly in her white bed. I sighed and with a heavy heart, I detangle my hands with hers.

I got up from the little table that was inside of here. It had some foods that Dad ordered from a fast-food. I would rather eat something that was cook by us but it was fine for me because he must have not had enough time that he had to order somewhere in a fast-food. Also, he might be tired from spending twenty-four hours with her.

I got some food and ate it with a speed. Gutom na gutom na ako! I got some ice tea that came with the take-out and choked it down. All the crying that I did made me hungry and thirsty.

"Slowly Anne. You might choke." My Dad said to me who was eating more gracefully and taking in all of the food flavours one by one.

"But, I'm hungry!" I complained to him then continued eating more and more and drinking more and more. "Pakiramdam ko last year pa ako kumain!" I added to what I was saying.

I saw how his Dad shook his head at me then continued eating. Come on, like he's not used to this when we're in the Philippines. Speaking of that, I missed some foods there. Like adobo. Maybe I will cook that later when I got home from work.

We both ate in silence, half of it. Because the other half was me hogging all of the foods. Dad knows me so well because he bought a lot of foods.

After an hour of eating, I was hugging my stomach and I was laying my back at one of the soft chairs that were there. I felt so full that my own feet couldn't carry my own weight anymore to stand up! That was such a good meal.

"Anak?" My head moved to Dad because he called me in Tagalog. Which was rare. Like me reading a book because I voluntarily did that and did it all with my heart. I just hummed at him as an answer. My mouth is to heavy to speak. "Do you want to go back there? You know. In the Philippines." He asked me.

I was left there with his question. Looking in the air. Looking in the answers. Looking at the possibilities. Looking at the things I left off. Looking at all the things I missed. I looked everywhere but not from her. So I did that. My eyes moved towards my mother.

I put out a little smile. Without hesitation, I said my answer. "No thanks, Dad. I will stay here until she gets better and I won't go back there without her." My little small becoming bigger.

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may I hear your thoughts please? >
i could just imagine Anne saying french words and... NO SPEECH NO COMMENT NO JUST NOTHING
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