a sky full of stars - louis partridge

final goodbyes

CHARLOTTE
WEDNESDAY, DEC 12th 2020

As the days passed regret and guilt began to crush Louis like a heavyweight. Guilt over being so selfish, over leaving her sitting there, alone, not showing her how much he cared how she felt. He wanted to contact Charlotte, call her, text her, do anything but he couldn't find the courage. She didn't contact him, either. She'd wanted them to have time. And he'd thrown it back in her face. A week passed. Friday came. Louis hadn't let himself think about it, hadn't allowed himself to remember that she was leaving that day, and because of what he'd done he might never get to say goodbye. Every time he so much as looked in a mirror and saw himself the messy hair; the shadowed, sleepless eyes and the bruised bitten lips, he was filled with a wave of misery so strong it was difficult for him to stay upright. It was just pass lunch time when the doorbell rang and River called Charlotte down from her room, simply stating vaguely that she 'had a visitor'.

He glimpsed himself in the hallway mirror as he walked past. He was a mess. He surreptitiously lifted the hood of his jumper to hide the incriminating bruise on his neck. Before he knew it she was standing in the doorway wearing big grey tracksuit pants and a tank top. He stood there for a moment, just staring at her, before she finally looked up, saw him and froze. He saw her take a deep breath, steel herself, before summoning a smile he knew was forced. "Char," he breathed. He took a few steps towards her, but it still felt like an impossible distance stretched between them, a distance he couldn't cross. "I've gotta finish packing, the taxi's gonna be here soon," she said quietly, beginning to turn away. "No please wait." He begged. She turned back around slowly, giving him a moment to get the words together. After all it would be the last time they would see each other.  "I . . . wanted to say goodbye." Goodbye. Louis's heart ached with pain. Silent tears stained Charlotte's cheeks. "I couldn't stand the thought of leaving without seeing you again," he whispered. "Even after everything." He saw her eyes flit to his and linger there, and his cheeks flushed with shame. "Even after everything," he repeated numbly. He took another step forward. "I know it doesn't change anything, Char, but I'm sorry. For how selfish I've been." "You broke my heart and all you can say is sorry" she said bluntly.
Part of her felt guilty for leaving and part of her didn't want to go. Part of her didn't want things to change, she just wanted me to stay here, with the boy she loved.

Even as it felt like the words were tearing him apart, even as he wanted to tear his hair out and scream, he said, "If this is what will make you happy, then I'm happy for you. I just want you to be happy" He expected her to smile maybe, to thank him he wasn't expecting her to burst into tears. "Char, char, stop," he murmured softly,  As she cried into his chest. He could feel her shoulders shaking with every heaving breath. "Please don't cry. It's okay." "I almost wish you were mad at me," she whispered, still not looking at him. "I almost wish you hated me, as much as I act like i hate you because then it might not have hurt so much to do this. But I . . ." He felt the slight movement as she subconsciously wrapped her right hand around her and he kissed her head, hearing the spoken words in his head as if she'd said them anyway. I have to. I love you. "You don't need to say anything," he said. "You don't need to explain yourself to me. It's okay. I don't blame you for  hating me" he said. She let out a long, shaky breath and pulled back from him slightly, tucking her blonde hair behind her ears. "I could never properly hate you Lou" she said quietly. He didn't say anything, because he knew if he did he'd only fuck it up.  Minutes passed, minutes of them doing nothing but holding each other, savouring each and every breath they had left, unable to find the words to do any of it justice, before a, male voice called out from the car, "Come on, Charlotte! We're gonna be late!" River's voice said. Louis felt like his heart was breaking into two as he finally, reluctantly, painfully let go of Charlotte. He watched as their fingers slipped apart and empty space fell between them. His eyes slowly slid up to meet hers, already looking at him, and all the things he hadn't said, all the emotions and pain and fear he'd been keeping inside for the past month all came rushing to the front of his mind. His stomach was in knots as he started, "Charlotte, I—" But she was already backing away from him slowly, eyes wide. "Charlotte can you promise me one thing?" He said. "Yeah sure Louis, what is it" she replied.  "Promise me you won't ever forget about me. " " I promise " she said as she looked into his brown eyes for the last time.

The tears began streaming down her cheeks glistened like falling stars in the light of the street. "Goodbye, Lou," she whispered, her voice breaking. She quickly raised her hands to wipe the tears from her cheeks, her unspoken words disappearing with them. Louis watched, his chest aching and his eyes burning, as walked past him. He didn't move from his position from the doorstep of her house, simply watching, barely even breathing. Watching as she opened the passenger door and slid into her seat, closing the door again behind her. Watching as her face crumpled and she buried her head in hands. Watching as the vehicle began to pull away from the curb. He watched as the car got smaller and smaller, disappearing down the street until it turned the corner and it was gone. She was gone.

The truth is Louis had broken the girl who loved him more than she loved herself and ruined every chance at them ever being together again for a very long time.  While Charlotte went to Paris to persue her dream in fashion. Louis stayed in London continuing with his passion for art.

It had to have been hours later when he finally stumbled back into the house, his skin frozen like ice. He thought he could make it into his room before breaking. He was wrong. He had barely closed the front door before he collapsed, sliding against the hard wood until he hit the ground, and sobbed and screamed.

His heart was breaking. His mind was breaking. And she was gone.

*just a slight trigger warning, nothing too bad but just a mention of some touchy topics so please be careful reading on, and if you need anything please talk to someone. ❤️*

He'd bought a box of cigarettes for himself on Sunday, after spending the whole day hungover in bed. One box wasn't enough to last the night.

Hangovers were deadly things, and Louis's lasted for two whole days before it went away. It wasn't enough to stop him from going out the next night to the city with the boys. Since she had left, drinking and smoking had become some sort of coping mechanism. Yes smoking and drinking is bad. But we're all addicted to something that ruins us. For some it's drinking, others it's smoking. Some people starve themselves, stay in toxic relationships, never sleep, harm themselves. And let the pain consume them. For Louis, it was poising his lungs and heart. Until he almost couldn't feel the pain anymore. Just for a split second. So that he would forget her. That's just how he numbed himself.

He hated it, but he did it anyway, and for a brief while he forgot everything.