a sky full of stars - louis partridge

what a feeling

CHARLOTTE
SUNDAY, NOV 26th 2020

"What's the score?"  "Four-nil," Charlotte muttered absently. She didn't look down at Eli, her eyes were focused on the game, and on River, and the frustration that flickered across his face each time his team lost the ball to the opposition. River wasn't the only one that seemed to be in a bad mood. The entire losing team seemed grumpy, their coach was shouting from the sidelines, and some of the soccer dads were swearing loudly each time their sons lost the ball. A grey sky started to appear, making it seem worse.  "Are they gonna lose?" Eli said. Charlotte looked down at Eli and sighed. "They might catch up," she said, trying to sound hopeful, but the words came out weak. She didn't believe it. Finally, with two minutes to go until the end of the second half, one of the players on River's team tackled the ball free and sent it flying to the other side of the pitch. River took it as a header, it soared into the air and the ball went flying into the goals.  They all cheered, but it didn't last. A minute later the siren rang. The goal didn't matter though. They had still lost.  "They only really came second," Eli said, as he and Charlotte walked to the benches outside the boys changing room to wait for River. "It's not that bad. And they've won most of there other games."  "Yeah." Charlotte forced a smile at him that she didn't mean. They had won other games, true, but River cared so much about soccer that it sucked beyond belief each time his team did badly. Especially when so many other things in his life were going to shit. And this was one of the qualifying games, it meant the difference between who reached the semi-finals and who didn't. River had his hopes placed so high on this.  After about five minutes the other boys started pouring out of the change rooms, looking muddy and tired but  Charlotte couldn't see River.  Eli was still at her side. "We're going to the bookstore after this, right?"  "We sure are." Why wasn't River coming out? All the guys had already met with their families to go home.  "I've already figured out a book that I wanna buy." Eli said. "Harry Potter " he continued. "I'm gonna go in and see if River's okay," Charlotte interrupted, standing up. Guilt flashed over her when she saw Eli's smile fall, she hugged him tightly, squeezing his shoulders. "I promise I'll be right back with River, and then we'll go to straight to the bookstore, okay?"  Eli looked up at her, nodding. She walked through the open hallway that led to the boys change rooms.  It was completely silent inside, which made sense, all the boys had left. Except River.  He was sat on a metal bench with his elbows on his knees and his back to her. His head was in his hands, but he made no noise, she couldn't tell if he was crying.  "I think it's time to go home, River," she said gently. He jumped, startled, but didn't turn. He knew her voice well enough for that.  "It's my fault we lost today," he said instead, not looking up.  "No, it's not"  "Yes it is," he groaned. "If I hadn't fucked up in the first half then we would've scored more, and that would've had us on a draw and maybe we would've been more motivated to get another goal in the second half before time tan out-"  "If it wasn't for you there wouldn't have been a goal in the second half in the first place." "It doesn't matter, we still lost." River stood up and began to pace, back and forth, anxiously.

River turned around and sent his fist flying into one of the lockers, and Charlotte jumped back, her heart racing. She watched as River pressed his forehead to the door of the locker as though his knuckles had never touched it. "It's my fault we lost. Everything's my fucking fault." River sobbed. "That's not true," she said. "You can't blame yourself for everything that goes wrong." she continued "But everything does go wrong." He said as he pulled at his hair and stepped away from the locker, shaking his head. "Have you been home recently, Charlotte? Have you seen what Margaret's fucking like now?"  "That is in no way your fault," Charlotte started, but he cut her off again.  "You're so full of shit. You're saying all of this to me, but I know you blame yourself too. I know you do." He rubbed his face with his hands and tried to control his breathing. "You think you're protecting us. Why does protecting us have to mean hurting yourself?"  "I'm fine," she insisted, but he just scoffed.  "That's another lie." He glanced at her. "I've seen you limping, you know. And I've heard the crashes each time you get in a fight with Margaret."  Charlotte stood there for a minute, unsure how to respond. She felt like she had forgotten how to breathe. "If it wasn't me," she said eventually, "it would be you. Or Elliot."  "That doesn't mean you have to take all of it" Dan muttered. His face dropped, and he lowered himself back onto the bench, drained. "It shouldn't have to be like this. Our lives shouldn't have to be like this."  "No, they shouldn't" Charlotte agreed softly. She sat down next to him. "But you can't blame yourself for that. It'll only make things worse." He turned to her burying  his face in her shoulder, and cried. Charlotte bit her lip as hard as she could to stay silent, to not give herself away, to not let him know that she was crying, too.