Loving Him Even In Sadness

Loving: Twenty-Three

Result

“You’re what?” Confusingly, I asked.

“I said, I’m home now. You’re my home, Zen.” He uttered and soon kissed my forehead.

What he did was reliving. Gusto ko na lang gawin niya iyon palagi. Not that I’m being clingy, I just like the way how I felt better everytime he’s around.

Nang pumatak ang oras hanggang sa alas siete ng gabi, agad kaming dumulog ni Zack sa hapag. We talked while we’re eating. Masaya ako habang kumain. Despite all the problems right now, may isang tao na handa akong pasayahin. He’s been talking about he got irritated in Manila because of how he badly missed me. Hindi ko itatago ang aking nararamdaman at aaminin ko na kinikilig ako dahil sa kanyang sinabi.

“I missed you so much, but you didn’t even want me here,” he said.

Pagkatapos ay yumuko ito at bumuntonghininga. Oh god! That’s not even true!

“Goodness! You’re being paranoid Zack. I want you here, pero it’s impractical for you to be here always. Gastos iyon.”

“I told you, I don’t care about the expenses. Zen. I can’t stay calm in Manila knowing what your situation here is,” he sighed. “I want you to ask for me, Zen. To need my presence, I want to be the one you’ll ask when you’re lonely, baby.”

“I won’t say I need you, baka lumipad ka kaagad dito. I don’t want to bother you, I don’t wanna be a burden just because I’m sad.”

“And I told you, you’ll never be a burden to me. Baby, just once, tell me how you needed me in times like this. Gusto ko maranasan galing sa ’yo na kailangan mo ako. Tell me how you badly want me to be there always for you. Please baby, care to tell me and demand for my attention. That’s all I’m asking.”

Am I being selfish? Sarili ko lang ba ang iniisip ko? Ang pagiging malungkot lang ba ang iniisip ko at hindi ko namalayan na may nangangailangan pala sa atensyon ko? I know that I don’t want to burden him pero kailanman hindi ko siya pinakinggan sa gusto niyang mangyari. He wanted to be here kahit kauuwi niya palang ng Manila and I declined him because of the expenses. I don’t want his family to think that he’s spending so much for coming here.

My tears rolled down on my cheeks so fast! Sumasakit ang dibdib ko nang paulit-ulit kong naririnig sa likod ng isip ko lahat ng sinasabi niya. Wala akong lakas na tingnan siya pero kailangan.

“I'm sorry…” I said. A little sob came out. “I didn’t know. Sorry kung sarili ko iniisip ko at hindi ko nasama ang nararamdaman mo. I’m sorry…” patuloy kong sabi, at gano’n din ang aking hikbi at luha.

Nang nakita niya akong umiiyak agad siyang tumayo at dumalo sa akin.

“Zen, I didn’t say those words para paiyakin ka. Oh please, stop crying.”

“You badly want my attention, huh? I’m sorry,” yumuko ako.

He brought me to his chest as he hugged me tightly. This is the comfort that I want. I didn’t know that comfort zone could be a person. I didn’t know not until I met Zack.

***

I’m done taking a bath at nag-toothbrush. After brushing my teeth, I felt so fresh lalo na’t nakaligo na ako. The mint coming from the toothpaste felt so fresh on my mouth.
Nang matapos ako sa aking ginawa sa banyo agad kong kinuha ang bathrobe at sinuot iyon. I swiftly opened the bathroom’s door at sa aking pagbukas agad akong kinabahan nang may humila sa akin.