DESK MATES ✔|SOPE|Yoonseok

32. Studying (part 2)

"Would you ever get a tattoo?"

This was Hoseok's final question, and Yoongi was beyond relieved that it was finally over. He didn't know how much longer he could stand answering Hoseok's weird, random questions and having to watch him laugh at every single response he gave. First of all, it was beyond annoying. Second of all, it was beyond adorable. As for which part bothered him more, he had no idea.

"Hell no," Yoongi replied, shuddering at just the thought of it. "I don't want anything permanent on my body. That just sounds horrible."

Hoseok nodded his head, his pen moving across his paper.

"Plus, I don't think I'm hardcore enough for a tattoo," Yoongi added, thinking about the needle piercing through his skin for extended periods of time. He hated to admit it, but he knew there was no way he could ever handle something like that, as needles freaked him out way too much. "I'd have to get tons of piercings, and like, start showing a ton of skin."

Hoseok tilted his head to the side, a playful smirk on his face. He looked like he was thinking about something.

"Hmmm... I dunno about that," he began, leaning in closer and resting his face in his hand. Hoseok was gazing directly into Yoongi's eyes, and to say he was now anxious more than ever was an understatement. "My friend Jimin has a tattoo on his wrist, and trust me when I say he's one of the softest people I've ever met. Although, the funny thing is that he has no idea how he got it," he laughed, his eyes looking off to the side now.

Yoongi couldn't help but feel a little confused, since Jimin hadn't seemed soft at all the day he'd met him. And now his words were suddenly ringing in Yoongi's head like a bell, over and over again.

Don't act like you don't know he's head over heels for you.

But Yoongi was going to keep pretending. Hoseok had recently made his feelings for him very clear, and it had definitely caused him to get flustered more than a few times now, but he knew it didn't really mean anything. There was just no way.

"Great, so are we done here?" Yoongi asked, obviously eager for him to leave. He felt ever so slightly guilty when he thought he saw a hint of sadness in Hoseok's eyes, but he'd been  incredibly stressed out, and he didn't know how much more of this he could take. He desperately wanted to be alone so he could clear his mind and somehow try to make sense of his rollercoaster of emotions.

"Sure, I guess we can be done," Hoseok said, grabbing his paper from the table and leaning over to put it in his bag. Right as he was about to open it, he paused, clicking his pen a few times. He then turned back towards Yoongi, who was staring at him in wonder.

"What about your paper? Will you be able to do it on your own?" Hoseok asked, wearing an expression of concern as he gazed at him. 

Yoongi could feel himself tensing up, his fingers curling into tight fists. Hoseok already knew this whole assignment was going to be a struggle for him, and that was more than degrading. He wanted to say no, that he would be spending painful hours with an English dictionary in the hopes of even maybe creating a decent paragraph, but he simply couldn't. He didn't like feeling weak, and he especially didn't want Hoseok to see just how bad off he really was.

"I already told you, I don't need your fucking help," Yoongi said harshly, his voice slightly raised. "God, just leave already!"

He was holding his arms tight over his chest now, not even bothering to look in Hoseok's direction anymore, and his heart was racing uncontrollably from his nerves. 

He was so sick of Hoseok's ceaseless bright and cheerful attitude. It wasn't fair how he was always so calm and collected, his expression completely tranquil. Meanwhile, Yoongi was constantly screaming on the inside, trying not to fall into a complete panic attatck. It pissed him off beyond words could describe, and he hated the fact that Hoseok thought he could just pretend like everything was fine. It was like he didn't even care that Yoongi was his ex-boyfriend, or that at one point in time they'd been deeply in love with each other.  Hoseok didn't care in the slightest that he'd torn their relationship apart, shattering Yoongi's heart like glass and leaving him without a single explanation as to why. And now here he was, sitting across from Yoongi at his own kitchen table, still offering his help to him as if nothing had ever happened. He hated him, he hated him, he hated him.

But Hoseok still hadn't said anything in return. When Yoongi turned back around, he didn't find the same Hoseok that had entered his house earlier. His smile had broken, and he was putting his things in his bag at the speed of light. Yoongi's heart nearly stopped when he noticed a tear dripping down his cheek, which he quickly wiped away with his fingers. He grabbed his things and stood up, pushing in his chair.

"Bye, Yoongi," he said, his voice unusually quiet. He was walking towards the door now, leaving Yoongi completely speechless. Hoseok hadn't even so much as glanced at him as he walked away.

Fuck.

He was terrible. No, he was worse than terrible. He was a complete dick.  Yoongi hadn't even thought it was possible to see Hoseok with such a miserable look on his face. As much as he believed he hated him, Yoongi found himself being overtaken by a feeling of deep pain, pleading that it would somehow go away. He couldn't believe that he'd actually caused Hoseok, the boy who always smiled, to tear up. It just didn't feel real. 

Yoongi had always wanted Hoseok to feel pain. He wanted him to suffer like he had, crying in his room for days and wondering why he wasn't good enough. At one point in time, he'd wished nothing but the worst for Hoseok, hoping that maybe he'd end up dying alone. He shouldn't have cared that his sudden outburst had made him a little upset; after all, it was what he deserved. 

But deep down, he'd always known that he wouldn't be able to handle it. Yoongi couldn't bare to see Hoseok cry, even if he'd sworn a thousand times it was what he wanted. 

As much as it terrified him to admit it, he was still in love. The flame in his heart never burned out, because the good memories they'd had were enough to keep it breathing. The time he and Hoseok had spent together was a time when the world seemed perfect, like he'd finally had everything he could have ever wanted. More than anything, he just wished he could go back to those days and experience that feeling all over again, getting to be with the boy he fell in love with all those months ago. He knew that probably wasn't going to change, no matter how much he may have wanted it to. It was the kind of love that never really disappeared. 

"Hobi, wait!" Yoongi called after him, turning around in his chair. Hoseok had his hand on the doorknob, only a foot- step away from leaving, when he turned back around to find Yoongi looking at him in desperation. Hoseok's face was expressionless, as if the life had been drained out of him, and Yoongi didn't like it at all.

"Please don't go," he said, speaking way too quickly. He was trying to calm his breathing down, but his heart wouldn't stop racing. "I... I want you to help me. That is, if you still want to."

Much to Yoongi's surprise, Hoseok walked back over to him without any sense of hesitation, which only made him feel more guilty. Just as he was about to pull out the chair he'd been sitting in, Yoongi stopped him, nervously gesturing towards the one right beside him.

"Sit next to me," he said softly. 

Hoseok nodded his head, walking over and sitting right next to Yoongi. His eyes had finally lit up again.