I Know Your Secret-Death Note

To Love is To be Selfish

       Ori tossed and turned that night. She couldn't sleep, and the sleep she did get was interrupted by fits of nightmares and screaming, always her own. 

       She dreamed of Vivian holding her by the throat, begging for forgiveness even when her fingers dug into her skin and her nails cut little slits. 

       She dreamed of lying in a growing pool of her own blood, hand weakly reaching out for L's retreating figure, calling his name when she knew he would never give her a second glance.

       She dreamed of Vivian dancing a blade over her skin while L chanted in her ear, calling her a leech, over and over again until Ori was sure that was the only word she was ever going to hear again.

       She dreamed over L holding her in his arms, strong and sure and loving, before suddenly dropping her and walking away, only for Vivian's arms to circle around her. The touch that she had always associated with love and tenderness now burned through her flesh until her eyes snapped open and she couldn't even scream. She wheezed and gasped, stumbling out of bed and crawling to the bathroom. Sweat poured down her face as she flipped the lightswitch with shaky hands. The tile was cool against her hot hands and legs. She crawled to the toilet and flipped it up before throwing up inside. Her tears were searing and painful, forced out by the pressure in her throat and chest. Her jaw ached and her chest felt like it would collapse. 

       When she was finally able to get air again, she sucked it in greedily like a starving man drinking clean water for the first time. 

       She was still burning. Still aflame and too hot. 

       Ori turned the nozzel over on the bathtub. Cold water began flowing through the mouth into the plastic canal. Some of the water splashed up the side and hit Ori's arm. She could almost hear the sizzle of evaporation. She didn't even wait to take of her clothes to roll over the side and collapse into the tub. The blessedly cold water crashed over the side.

       A raft in a storming sea. She thought hazily. Her head pounded and she felt disgusting.

       "Ori? Are you all right?" Ori looked at Watari's blurry figure through tired eyes. 

       "If Ryuzaki sent you, you can fuck right off, old man." It was like someone else was talking, using her to comunicate. Since when had Ori become to hateful? Watari didn't seem to notice or mind, and came closer. He closed the lid of the toilet and pushed down the handle, wrinkled face kind.

       "He didn't. I saw that you had woken up several times, then had gone to the bathroom. I was worried. It was like watching a sick patient go mad." She turned her head away from him and looked at the ceiling. Tears welled up in her eyes.

       "Did I do something wrong, Watari? Is there something I should've done differently?" He said nothing aside from giving an unhelpful hum. Ori wanted to scream. She wanted to act like a child and throw a tantrum and rant how unfair this was again and again. 

       "Is it because I didn't tell him I loved him? Was I really just another employee? Am I a leech?" More tears spilled over. Her eyes were dry and it hurt, yet the tears wouldn't stop. "Was I using him to feel better?"

       "I can't say for sure that's the case, but I can tell you that while L's behavior was unacceptable, it wasn't all that surprising." He settled his hand on Ori's sweaty forehead, unbothered by the moisture.

       "L is a very prideful man. When the Kira Case first started, he refered to himself as a child who hated to lose, which I think is very accurate, but I also think that he was scared. He was giving his heart and soul to you, and felt like he was getting nothing in return." Ori couldn't even disagree. Watari was right, they both were. L was the one who had comforted her, kissed her, held her when she was mentally and physically exhausted from dealing with Misa, and what had she done in return? Absolutely nothing. 

       "The feelings hit me so quickly, I wasn't even sure if they were real or not. I just knew that I liked when L took care of me." She brought a hand up from the bathwater and raked it over her face and through her hair. "God, I'm selfish."

       "I often thought that to love was to be selfish, but seeing the way L is with you has me thinking differently." His tone was meaningful, but it only made Ori feel worse. She looked over at the old man. His eyes were hidden by the glint of the light dancing on his glasses, but his smile was enough.

       "Were you ever in love, Watari?"

       "Once. A long time ago, long before you were merely a dream in a young woman's heart. I met a man who seemed to hold the sun in his eyes. They were so bright, they were the first things I ever noticed about him, but alas, fate had not allowed us to be together, and he was gone too soon."

       "What was his name? Do you remember?" He looked at Ori with a sad smile. Ori could see the years of love and heartbreak behind it. Every tear, every smile, every whisper, and every shout she could see it all in that one smile. Ori wanted someone to smile at her like that, and someone had. Someone had smiled at her like that and she hadn't even mustered up the courage to say the one thing he needed her to say above everything else. 

       Watari adjusted his glasses, and Ori could see the beaded tear that was splayed out behind them, shiny and holding every emotion he had ever felt towards his ex-lover. 

       "His name was Watari Nakamura."

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       Hoooooooooooooooooooooooly shit. Am I depressed or something? Oh, who am I kidding, I'm 16; of course I'm depressed. Anyway, yeah! Watari's gay now with an ex-lover. Deal with it.
       Until next time... Doragon-Chan is out!
       "Love looks not with the eyes, but with the mind, and therefore is winged Cupid painted blind."
       ― William Shakespeare