I Know Your Secret-Death Note

I Can't Stop

       Hot. Ori was too hot. The hands that held her close, flush against L's body were hot, his mouth was hot. Even the tears that fell were hot. Ori was sure that the tears belonged to her, but she wasn't completely sure. 

       She was so confused. Just earlier, she'd seen L giving her to most blank stare she'd ever gotten from him, it was worse than when they'd first met. Now he was kissing her like the world was about to end. Was this was Matsui was talking to him about? Was he trying to set them straight?

       She let herself fall into the kiss, grappling for his shirt and twisting it in her hands. A voice in the back of her mind told her that it was wrong. That L had hurt her and would do it again given the chance. But with L's lips on hers, sure and hot, the voice was drowned out. 

       Their position was awkward with L stooped down lower than usual, and he scooped her up. Her legs wrapped around his waist as he pushed her against the wall, devouring her once more. He tasted like sugar and strawberries. He always would.

       Ori didn't know the meaning behind this. She didn't know what this would turn into or what to think about it. But she didn't want to think. For just a few moments, she wanted to stop thinking. She just wanted to feel L's hands cupping her jaw, gentle despite how insistent his mouth was. Her arms were thrown around his neck, bunching up his shirt from his hips. 

       They separate to breathe, hot air released in puffs between them. Ori leaned forward again to slip her lips between his. It was less urgent this time, slower and softer. One of his hands slipped down to her collar bone, brushing the skin with his thumb. 

       "Honey," and everything came crashing down. Ori's eyes snapped open and she dropped from L's hold on her, shoving him away. He staggered back, face flushed red and shirt more rumpled than usual. Ori knew she wasn't any better. She felt frantic, trapped like a cornered animal, desperate for a way out. 

       "Honey?" L asked. 

       "Stop! Stop calling me that!" Her hair fell around her face and she grabbed at it, holding it against her scalp as strands slipped from her hold. 

       "I don't understand what's going on. First, you don't tell me about Misa, then you tell me that I'm a leech and that I was using you, now this-" Her eyes burned with unshed tears. Anger and confusion and heat swirled around in her chest. She just wanted a stray answer.

       "I don't get it." She met his eyes, fighting to now look away. L's eyes were wide with alarm. He stepped closer, arm stretched out as if reaching for her, but she held up a hand to stop him.

       "Just tell me the truth!" Her voice was thick and wet with sobs. L pursed his lips, thinking. Ori waited, not patiently though. Her chest heaved, heart still dust. 

       "I love you." He whispered. "I was scared when you weren't telling me directly how you felt and I got doubts. I don't know where everything else came out; I didn't mean it, but I didn't know what to do. I've never done this before; I've never even had friends before." He looked so dejected; Ori could tell he was telling the truth.

       "Then you talk to me. I've barely ever had friends too. I can get along with people, but the oldest friend I have is Raito, and he's under suspicion of being Kira. Do you think I can have heartfelt conversations with Raito? The deepest we got was when he asked me how I felt about Kira!" Ori was tired. She was tired of the misery, of the back and forth, of the guessing games. She wanted it all to end.

      Throat tight, she swallowed back another sob. "I deserve better." She let her volume fall to a hoarse whisper. 

       "I know." L nodded. 

       "I. Deserve. Better." Now she was trying to convince herself. Did she deserve better? Maybe she'd believe it if she told herself enough times. 

       "You do. You-"

       "So why can't I stop myself from loving you?" It had just slipped out. Out in the air without her permission, the question hung heavy over both of them. Her tears were falling freely now, staining her cheeks and the collar of her shirt. Her hair felt more tangled than before. She probably looked like a mess.

       "I don't know." That wasn't the answer Ori wanted, but it was the one she'd expected. Why would L know if she didn't?

       Ori wiped her eyes roughly with her shirt collar and sniffed wetly. She tried to look intimidating, but she knew she was failing horribly.

       "This never happened." She didn't know what she meant: the kiss or the confession. Maybe both, maybe just one, but L nodded all the same. She walked past him and let the tears fall again when she was further down the hall. 

       Still dust.

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       L's lips were still buzzing with warmth long after Ori had left. He'd waited a little before leaving so people wouldn't question whether or not they were together.

       His heart constricted as he replayed her question in his head.

       So why can't I stop myself from loving you? 

       He'd wanted to say it was because they were meant to be. The red strings of fate had pulled them together and they couldn't just stop what they'd started, but all he had said was 'I don't know'. It was easier than begging for her forgiveness. It hurt more, but it was easier. He didn't think his pride could take anymore. It was bruised and bloodied and small. He'd thought he could put it on the line again and again, but now he wasn't sure. If Ori didn't want him, then he'd stop putting his pride where she could find it and step on it. It had been his fault, but it takes two to tango.

       L didn't even like dancing.

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       That was pretty steamy, not gonna lie. I'm starting to wonder if LOri will even become canon at this point.
       Until next time... Doragon-Chan is out!
       "I could easily forgive his pride, if he had not mortified mine."
       ― Jane Austen