Confronting Fear

Preparations

The sea knows where are the rocks
And drowning is no sin
You know where my heart is
The same place that yours has been
We know that we fear to win
And so we end before we begin
Before we begin

Every Breaking Wave - U2

With a final swipe over the duraglass, Rey Force sealed the glassed in cabinet directly behind her desk with her most prized posessions, the sacred Jedi texts, inside. She was loathe to do so but as Ben oft left Vader's helmet and the legacy saber in his own office on the pedestals specially made for them, she could only trust that they would safe. Her project to create holoscans had been completed so should she need to reference them they would be with her.

She didn't let her mind wander to what would happen if she had to run from Kylo Ren again. She couldn't think like that.

She glanced around the rest of the empty room, trying to think of something, anything else she could put in the many empty cabinets. Maker, she hadn't made a decision or commitment to stay with the First Order, yet here she was planning out how to decorate her office!

With a thud, she sat down heavily in the plush office chair, swiveling it back and forth slightly. She hated having nothing to do but think. She didn't want to think! Thinking would only lead her places she wasn't ready to go yet.... like what her future with Ben would be, where they would be. She was a Jedi of the Republic and he was of the First Order. She couldn't comprehend how they could ever make a future when neither of them would ever be willing to let that go.

And he wants a family. Did she?

The only family Rey had ever envisioned for herself had been with her own parents and now her found family with the Resistance. Could she ever allow herself to have a different kind of family, to be a mother herself? Any child she had was almost certain to be Force sensitive, what if she couldn't raise them to be of the Light and they fell to the Dark? What did she know about children and the rearing of them? She supposed Leia might help, if she was able.....

Great, now her line of thinking had switched to the one thing worse than her angst over her potential family and that was her angst over Leia's eventual passing. She wasn't ready, would never be ready to say goodbye.

Almost absent-mindedly Rey touched the tiny scar on the back of her bicep, feeling out with the Force for the tiny cylinder embedded within the tissue. At least she had the peace of mind of knowing that any children would be of her choosing.

She'd gotten the implant shortly after joining the Resistance. Leia had noticed her discomfort over her menstrual cramps and suggested the implant as a means of controlling them with the added benefit of not getting pregnant should she choose to engage in such activities, which she had not planned on at the time.

Oh, how things had changed.

Ugh, she was going stir crazy in here! Maybe that damned droid had finally delivered her new clothes and she could leave for Naboo!

Ben was currently in his equally large public office near the bridge undergoing preparations for the trip that seemed to include terrorizing Lt. Shiro and Lt. Mitaka into being is personal pilot and valet, respectively, for the peace conference. He was also bringing two of his Knights to serve as bodyguards and backup, albeit from a distance.

There had to be something she could be doing to prepare as well. Maybe Leia would have some ideas. Rey knew the General was likely very busy so she quickly commed in a message asking for advice.

She met the tailor droid in the hallway towing a small hover crate filled with at least a dozen carefully wrapped packages. With a thank you and a wave she sent the droid packing back to wherever it came from while she sat the individual packages out on the freshly made bed.