Confronting Fear

Tonight

Here I am
And I can't seem to see straight
But I'm too numb to feel right now

And here I am
Watching the clock that's ticking away my time
I'm too numb to feel right now

Just Tonight - The Pretty Reckless

Ben lay curled up on Rey's bunk on-board the Bright Star, his eyes bloodshot from lack of sleep. They'd been on Rey's ship for twenty four standard hours and he'd been awake for every one of them. They'd be on it for another eighteen before Ambria came into view. They were taking Rey's ship to Ambria as the hunter droids had not yet captured the unwelcome guest still living aboard his. Rey had insisted Ben take her bunk as the crew bunks were too short for someone Ben's height. Even now, after all that happened, she was thinking of him and his comfort. He rolled onto his stomach trying to ignore the knots therein. Rey's scent filled his nose as he breathed into her pillow.

How had this happened?

Things weren't as bad as they could be, he comforted himself. Rey was still here, still speaking to him. She just needed space, or at least that's what she said. Truth be told, maybe he did too.

She'd come to him in tears after their fight, his insides a mass of twisting serpents while she explained that she couldn't take everything that was being thrown at her right now, that there were too many distractions.

He'd lied, telling her that he understood, when he was really more confused than ever. But, he'd been in the wrong, at least as much as she had been, and they owed each the time to make sense of all that was happening.

They needed to devote themselves to defeating Sidious, and he needed to focus on remaking the First Order in his own image, finding whomever tried to assassinate him, weed out the traitors in his own ranks, and about a million other things. Maybe Rey was right, maybe their relationship and the passionate distractions it brought were too much for them both.

He threw the heavy comforter off with a huff. It was clear that there'd be no sleep for him, not now. And he couldn't be in this room, not right now, it felt like her, her presence imbued into every atom of it.

He needed water.

In the lounge he found both the last person he wanted to see and the person he wanted to see more than anyone else in the world: Rey. They'd carefully avoided each other since the jump to lightspeed, Rey having barricaded herself inside her workshop. But there she was at the table.

She looked up from her datapad, startled by Ben's presence. She'd left the bond partially open, not enough to allow him to be in her mind but enough to keep the line of communication open. He could feel her emotions flowing through it; confusion, hurt, pain, longing, sorrow.

She managed a weak half-smile for his benefit, her beautiful hazel eyes betraying her.

"Sorry, I just need water. I'll leave you be." he told her lamely.

Her voice sounded strained, tired. "No, it's fine. We need..." she inhaled deeply. "We need to be able to work together. That means being able to talk and be close to each other." She released the breath in a long sigh. "I know it's not easy."

There was a million things he wanted to say about that, all of them hurtful and all guaranteed to make the situation worse. That he could do this was the proof she needed that Ben could be the man she wanted, the man she needed. He needed to prove it to her and to himself.

But, this was also a test of Rey's will, whether or not she could maintain self-control and Balance, whether she could tame her own biases and become something more than the just the Last Jedi.