Confronting Fear

Compassion

And if you could talk to me
Tell me if it's so
That all the good girls go to heaven
Well, heaven knows

That without you is how I disappear
And live my life alone forever now
And without you is how I disappear
And live my life alone forever now

This Is How I Disappear- My Chemical Romance

Ren carefully steered the small shuttle into hangar 24 aboard his flagship, the Steadfast. The ship was in its night cycle and Rey was fast asleep in her bunk. He didn't want her to wake. Her sleep, initially brought on by exhaustion and pain had been assisted by Kylo himself. He wasn't proud of it, but she needed her rest and he couldn't face her yet.

Haunted by Rey's treasured memories and accusations, sleep had eluded him. He tried to make sense of it all. Many of the experiences she'd relayed weren't even happy, such as the memorial service or battle, yet they were so important to her. She'd such affection for the motley crew of people that had barraged his mind, it was unthinkable. What could they possibly offer her? They'd made her smile and laugh.

The visions she'd passed to him were soundless, he hadn't heard her laugh. He himself hadn't laughed in years, he'd forgotten what it sounded like. He tried to imagine the music of Rey's, how her voice would translate the sound. But her smile, oh her smile. It had lit up her face like the afternoon sun. What he wouldn't give for her to look at him that way.

He knew she never could. He'd done things that were unforgivable, including kill his own father. But, he hadn't asked for her forgiveness and didn't expect it. He was a monster and they both knew it, but he needed her. He needed to draw on her warmth to keep himself going. He couldn't live without her, the last year had proven that. He would seal her in the highest tower in the most impenetrable fortress in the galaxy to keep her safe, to keep her for himself. You'll destroy her. His grandfather's words echoed in his mind.

Was this the death she had accused him of causing? Not of her physical self but of her internal self? He knew her. He knew her secrets and her fears, he understood her power and how she had never belonged. Were their other parts he had never considered? Those hated parts that he himself had killed along with Ben Solo? Could those things actually be important to her? Her compassion.

No, she just didn't understand yet. They were temporary distractions, she'd come to know their insignificance just as he had. She'd said she didn't want to turn to the Dark because she hadn't experienced it yet, the thrill that came with such power would overcome any other emotions. He would show her, in time she'd come around. And if she didn't, if she tried to leave him, he'd show her exactly what fucked up things he was willing to do to keep her.

Using his ruined cape as an extra blanket, he carefully lifted his Sith princess into his arms in a bridal carry catching her lightsaber as it nearly slid off. She weighed next to nothing, just as she had the first time he had done this on Takodana. If anyone had told him then what would be happening to him now he would have killed them on principle.

He carefully made his way to the entrance ramp, making sure not to knock Rey against anything. He was met by a small contingent of staff at full attention.  "At ease." If any of them noticed the strange sight of the Supreme Leader with an unconscious woman tucked in his arms, they were wise enough not to voice it.

"Welcome back Supreme Leader. We're awaiting your orders sir."

"Refuel and restock my ship, with a better medkit this time." He tried to keep his voice low so as not to disturb Rey.

"At once my lord. Errrr... my lord, General Hux has requested that we pass on a message. He wishes to meet with you as soon as possible."

Ren froze the unfortunate lieutenant in place. He had always believed the messenger to be an extension of their master and therefore worthy of his ire. "Inform Hux that I have other, more pressing matters to attend." With a turn of his heel, he left the terrified crew behind in a march to the medwing. Rey's injuries could just as easily have been treated in her suite by a droid, but the war lord had someone particular in mind for this.