All Because Of Him

seventy nine.

Trigger warning: This chapter contains scenes that some of you may find upsetting.

For those of you who choose not to read it, feel free to message me and I can give you a recap.

❀❀❀

Silence.

     At first I found it comforting, but with the time that has passed it's as though the silence in the air is shoving it's self down my throat, invading my nostrils and filling my ears, limiting me from speaking or giving him any false sense of relief I know he needs.

    The smell of tobacco that once lingered in the air is now gone, the warmth I felt from being near him vanished, the swaying of trees and rustling of leaves that could be heard but not seen had stilled somewhere in the darkness leaving us with nothing but silence.

   It's pitch black outside with not even one star in the night sky, the only source of light is the low waning moon hovering tenuously, and the bright street lights illuminating the gloom.

     And then there's him.

     It's almost as if he's clinging to the darkness around him, intensifying it in some way.

    I try to not let it bother me that throughout my time sitting beside him he hasn't given me a single glance. And overtime, I'm becoming more and more aware of the taut silence stretching between us.

     This is a bad idea.

     Sitting here beside him regardless of what took place earlier.

    I should be angry, picking a fight, yelling, screaming, stomping-my-feet-on-the-ground angry. But no matter how many times I try to stand up and force myself to walk away, I can't seem to move.

     It's almost as if my body takes comfort in his, like all my sorrows from earlier have reached its max limit and he's the only one with the drain to clear it all, take this weight off of me and make it all better.

     I have questions.

    So so many questions.

  And after tonight I don't know how much longer I can keep doing this- running around in circles lost and confused on him.

   I don't know how much more of myself I can give. But for some reason I still remain here frozen in time, mentally begging him to open up to me and take me away from all this.

    And just when I think I'm about to get up and leave, he speaks.

     "It was all my fault."

    His voice is so soft I barely even hear the words escape his lips. I cautiously look over at him, my mouth clinging shut over the fear of interrupting him and having him clam up again.

     He looks straight ahead into the night sky as he continues, "It was my idea to leave. I thought I was doing something right, good, but..." He sighs deeply, "I should have known better."

     Those nervous ticks of his are coming out, making me a bit anxious on where he's trying to go with this. But no matter what it is, I have to remember to try and understand, not judge or discourage him in any way. I need to show him that he can be honest with me, no matter his past or his troubled burdens, I'll accept them all.

    I never knew it was his idea to leave. And honestly, I'm not quite sure what to think about it. I guess a part of me always figured his mom was the one that pulled the strings on that one, my thoughts on that matter only made it easier to rid him from my mind at the time.