All Because Of Him

forty five.

I'm not crying 'cause you left me on my own

I'm not crying 'cause you left me with no warning

'm just crying 'cause I can't escape what could have been

Are you aware when you set me free?

All I can do is let my heart bleed.

❀

 I stab my fork deeper into the scrambled eggs I made myself for breakfast. Last night I stayed up trying to soften the sound of my cries, and it was all because of Mason.

He used me. And he did it just to prove his point.

I'm ashamed to admit that through the mess of last night, I found myself lying in bed waiting for him to come back to apologize and explain to me why he did it all. I felt even more stupid with each minute that passed, but I couldn't help myself.

I wanted it to hit him that he had made a mistake. I wanted him to come to his senses and crawl into my bed, holding me as the tears fell from my eyes.

But it was pointless.

That would never happen.

I know who Mason is and yet I still let myself be alone with him. I let every little thing about him overcome me in a matter of two days. I'm sure he's laughing now, finding the fact that he won yet again so amusing.

Even if it causes me pain.

I couldn't help but picture Mason's face as I jab the fork repeatedly into my food, taking my anger out on the plate in front of me.

"Woah, what'd those eggs ever do to you?" Jessica asks as she sits down on the stool beside me. I must have missed her coming in, I was too focused on stabbing Mason's head with a fork.

"You're back." I say, my voice as flat as ever as I turn towards her.

I'm envious that she probably had a great weekend with Shawn. And I could tell from the smile on her face that I was right. I, on the other hand, had the most confusing weekend of my life.

A part of me was afraid to tell Jessica everything that had happened while she was gone. I mean, where would I begin? I'm too ashamed of it all, that he got to me so easily.

"Don't sound too happy." Jessica says with a hint of sarcasm in her voice, and I feel a smile on my face already starting to appear.

It's good to have her back.

"You're not mad at me, are you?"

"Why would I be mad?" I question.

"You mean other than the fact that I left you alone with Mason for the weekend?" I break eye contact once she mentions his name. No matter how hard I try to forget about what happened, I can't.

Not only do I live with him, but I also live with his cousin. I'm too involved in his circle to stay away.

I am screwed.

"I know you guys don't have the best relationship. It must've been awkward as hell." She goes on and I just nod, trying to refrain myself from lying as much as possible.

I reach over to my water beside me and slowly bring it to my lips, taking a few sips.

"So," she continues, "which one of his whores did he bring over this time?" I swallow the water in my mouth too quickly and try to keep down a cough.