All Because Of Him

seventy four.

"I never needed you like I do right now, I never hated you like I do right now
'cause all you ever do is make me cry"

❀

*warning: chapter contains violence*

I glance down at my phone for the first time today and wish I didn't feel the ounce of disappointment weighing down on my heart when I see that his name isn't displayed on the screen.

But I do, I feel it.

I feel all of it.

It hasn't even been a full twenty four hours since everything happened, but still there's this mood I can't shake- the ache in my chest, weight on my shoulders and sudden views on how life can be so mundane while also being so crippling at the same time.

I've been wracking my brain for his exact reasoning for doing what he did, and although all my answers point to the obvious, it still doesn't add up.

He has issues.

I know this.

Even though he doesn't tell me why he is the way he is, it's clear to me that something happened to make him so.

What we're going down is a slippery slope, there's no happy ending to this, right?

Right.

But then my traitorous body does it again- makes me remember how it feels to be so close to him. Have his breath mixed in with my own, have him speaking-no, provoking me with his teasing words, his calloused hands making their way up my soft skin, his unmasked wishes to kiss me, touch me, feel me.

Ugh, why won't my body stop craving him?

I'm angry, I have every right to be angry because he turned off my phone. I keep replaying it in my mind, imagining me wrapped up in his strong arms, my phone occasionally buzzing, him reaching into my pocket to pull it out, see who my messages are from and then turn it off, as if it meant nothing.

How am I supposed to react to that?

How am I supposed to get over all the red flags swaying back and forth right in front of my face?

I can't, and I won't.

I won't I won't I won't I won-

"So?" Jessica's voice interrupts my rambling thoughts as she sits on the end of the couch right next to me, her feet tucked under her, eyes twinkling with anticipation, "What'd you tell him?"

Oh, yeah right, that.

"I-I told him I'd think about it."

Her eyes almost fall out of her head, "Think about it? Are you out of your mind? I thought Aiden was who you wanted all summer."

I look down at my fingers and mumble, "Yeah, so did I."

Acknowledging the truth to Jessica's words only buries me deeper into the inexorable funk I keep finding myself in.

My shoulders slump as a heavy sigh escapes my lips. I can feel Jessica's eyes going over my face right before she places her hand on my knee, giving it a reassuring squeeze.

"Elle, what's going on? Why is this so hard for you?" She tilts her head, eyes filled with concern as she studies my face.

I roll my lips into my mouth, picking at my nail cuticle, "I just don't think he meant it."