All Because Of Him

eighty two.

  In the back of my mind, I always knew this day would come.

I don't think I ever wanted to admit it to myself. It was easier to just try and make it work than to hurt someone that I sincerely care about.

I remember how I felt with Aiden months ago; happy and safe. There'd be a warmness in my heart from even the mention of his name, our last memories together would constantly be replaying in my mind, a single thought of him made me smile brighter than I thought anyone else would make me.

But things are too different now.

I never expected to fall for Mason. Whatever is going on between the two of us is complicated, and I'm not quite sure that'll ever change. There's so much uncertainty in the way I feel. With Aiden I would have that sense of security I needed. I had gotten so used to people walking out of my life, but with him I always knew he'd be there.

Mason... not so much.

Everything with him is different every day. I never know what to expect, and some days it can be an emotional rollercoaster.

But I want him.

All of me- every single part of me- wants him.

The magnetic pull I have towards him is indescribable and there's no more denying that.

But right now I'm scared.

I'm scared that after I tell Aiden he'll want nothing to do with me. I can feel my nerves spiking, skin turning hot and sweaty, hands trembling at even the thought of it happening.

I know Aiden hasn't necessarily been the best figure in my life lately, but I know I've certainly been putting him through a lot this summer.

I look at him straight ahead from me, his gaze still fixated on his hands, body sitting down on my porch steps and I stand here, not being able to move. Heaviness settles into my gut, the feeling of uneasiness in the pit of my stomach just as nauseating as I work up the nerve to walk in closer to him.

He doesn't notice me until I'm only a few feet away, and when he sends me that easy-going smile of his I nearly contemplate on if I should really be doing this.

I can do this.

Inhale. Exhale.

We exchange hello's, the air turning thick around us and I get the feeling that he knows it's coming too. His body seems tense, not a single relaxed muscle on display for me to see, his hair is messier than usual, skin is paler, smile more short lasting. While I on the other hand still feel Mason everywhere, on my skin, between my legs, my entire body still sore and aching from how rough he was with me earlier.

He's like some kind of illicit drug I can't stop myself from craving.

The endorphins running at an all time high in my system are slowly starting to be replaced with panic as Aiden's eyes take me in in front of him, looking the least bit impressed with what he sees.

"How was everything last night? You were gone in such a hurry, and you never called. I got worried." He speaks, and I shift beside him.

Oh, shit.

I completely forgot that he told me to give him an update. I had gotten so wrapped up in things very quickly. Right when I saw the state Mason was in, everything else in my mind vanished and all I could focus on was him.

"I'm sorry, there was just never really a good time to call." I give him an honest answer hoping it'll suffice, but from the look on his face I can tell it's not even close to being enough.