All Because Of Him

fifty eight.

  "Refill?" I hear Jessica ask beside me and lift my empty glass over to her so she can fill it back up.

This morning I woke up in an empty bed, yet again. I thought by now I would be used to him disappearing in the middle of the night, but I guess in some way it still affects me. I can only imagine him rolling me over and sneaking off; I just wish he would stay for one night at least, but I know the chances of that happening are very little.

There's still so many questions I want to ask him. Especially after last night, I'm now more aware of how closed off he really is. It bothers me how tense he gets everytime he looks at his phone, and even worse how he tries to purposely hide the screen from me. I know he'll tell me when he's ready but a part of me feels like he never will be.

I want to know why he doesn't sleep with anyone, or even really sleep at all. 

Since living here I've come to realize how little he actually does sleep, it seems like he's out for most of the night and whenever he does come home he always ends up going into my room for the next couple of hours. Then I'll wake up in the morning and he'll be gone.

I wonder if it has to do with the coke, maybe that's why he's never tired?

I sigh at the thought while I watch Jessica fill up my glass with the pitcher filled with vodka and orange juice we made before coming outside.

"Shit," of course she overfills my glass and some of the drink falls onto my fingers and onto the ground, "Sorry."

I quickly tell her that it's fine and bring the glass up to my lips, taking a few sips to take some out.

This morning I decided to spend the day with Jessica, I know she's been having a rough time dealing with the drama involving Shawn and the last thing I want is to make her feel alone in any of it. So I helped her make the drinks before we went out into the backyard and laid back on the lounge chairs in our bathing suits, soaking up the sun above us.

I place the glass back onto the small table in between us, and feel my tense muscles start to relax. I can't let all of these questions consume my thoughts, I just need to push them aside for now and focus on spending the day with my best friend.

"So, what about this one?" Jessica asks, her arm extending over to show me her phone screen.

Oh God, why did I agree to this?

I take the phone out of her grasp and look at the photo displayed on the screen. My nose scrunches up and I shake my head before passing it back to her.

"Too realistic." I shudder.

Jessica sighs, looking at the photo, "Is that even a thing?"

"Jess, if you want it to look like that why don't you just go out and get the real deal instead of wasting your money on it."

"Because Elle, men are scum and I can't settle for anything less than what I deserve anymore. Plus, I can already feel the cobwebs growing inside of me from the lack of sex I've been getting."

I can't help but laugh as I turn my head to face her, my hand blocking out the sun, "It's been what, a week now?"

"My point exactly."

I shake my head, reaching over to grab my glass again and take a sip. Of course Jessica would find a week without sex a long time. But I guess I understand what she's saying. Lately I've been finding myself very sexually active, I'm sure I would be frustrated too if all of the sudden it just stops.