All Because Of Him

sixty nine.

"You're so golden."

❀

What the fuck am I doing here?

This entire week, since everything has happened I've tried to convince myself that I was okay. I forced myself to ignore the constant churning in the pit of my belly, the aching beneath my skin, the clashing emotions waiting for something that I couldn't even explain myself.

I can count the reasons why I shouldn't be here right now, and I'm sure I'd have more than enough to walk away.

But then my mind veers off to the feeling of his hand in mine earlier, how close his body was to me, the fluttering feeling inside my throbbing core every single time his lips quirked upwards.

Even though it reminded me of everything I couldn't have, it also intrigued me, fascinated me even more.

I can't tell if my feelings toward him are more physical or emotional, there's so much between each reasoning that it's hard to pinpoint exactly.

Maybe I miss him.

Or maybe this is a way of me punishing myself because there is a high possibility that this changed behavior of his won't last.

I'd like to think that him bringing me to Freddie's, introducing me to new people and hauling my ass to the County Fair is rather romantic, but then again, Romance and Mason isn't necessarily two words I'd ever put in a sentence together.

And when he pays for both our entries I try to not dwell on it.

Or the fact that he hasn't touched me since we left Freddies, or that the scent coming off his sweatshirt is filling my head and infiltrating my bloodstream, sending me to tighten my thighs, disregarding the heat in the center of my legs.

There are a lot of conflicting emotions I feel right now.

I imagined every possibility of the first time Mason and I would reconnect once again, but never did I ever imagine this.

The sea of bodies around us that accumulate out of nowhere only makes it harder for me to breathe. The bright lights, whizzing and whirling rides are heard through the faint music and occasional happy screams that suddenly pierce through the air.

The sky is pitch black, sparsely dotted with dim stars and the only thing illuminating the night are the rides, booths and bright toys seen for miles.

And then there's him.

Even in the darkness his eyes glint with desire and sin.

I stand less than a foot beside him, the urge to touch him, feel him, enclose myself onto him is stronger than ever, and of course, the cheeky grin on his face watching me stand here awkwardly next to him only adds to it.

It's cold and dark and I should just want to get the hell out of here already, but I'm drawn to his unpredictable, catastrophic presence and I can't help any of it.

I look around, taking in the scenery around me, feeling Mason's eyes taunting me as he stops in his tracks. I look over at him, and my feet seem to have a mind of their own when I find myself taking another daring step toward him, a fluttery ball of angst and anxiety coiling in my gut in the process.

"You like rollercoasters now, don't you? I remember you always being scared of them, but something tells me you now enjoy the thrill of it all. Doing something dangerous, reckless..." He takes another step toward me and I become aware of how close we are to each other, "That you like the arousal of... physical experiences."