Amore #2: Withered Epitome of Beauty

WEOB 25

I woke up from a very deep and exhausting sleep. Six years... I've been dreaming those scenes from the past for six long years. But I never cried because I shouldn't be weak. I will never let myself be vulnerable for the nth time. Because if I will, who would lift me up in this drowning state? It's just I, isn't it?

I already accepted everything that happened. There are those kind of people who will step in your life without even knocking first and leaving without saying any goodbye.

But it is also my fault. I decided to accept and love them because I am that kind of person who will let my love bring them to the peak. 'Yong wagas kung magmahal at todong-todo na kayang ibigay ang lahat, gano'n ako.

I thought it's best to give my all, not even keeping one for myself because I thought that they'll treasure it but I am wrong. Mali ako dahil hindi nila iyon pinahalagahan at nabaliwala lamang ang lahat ng ibinigay ko.

Maling-mali na ibuhos mo ang pagmamahal mo sa isang tao. Dapat kang magtira para sa sarili mo. Kasi paano kung wala naman talaga silang pakialam sa ibinigay mong pagmamahal? Nganga ka lang, luhaan at wala man lang magawa.

Kaya dapat pagtuunan mo muna ng pansin ang sarili mo. Magpakalunod ka muna sa sarili mong pagmamahal bago makinabang ang ibang tao. At pasayahin mo muna ang sarili mo bago mo ibahagi sa iba ang kasiyahan mo.

Kapag naramdaman mo namang buo ka na at hindi ka na matitibag, huwag mong ibigay ang pagmamahal mo sa mga taong malabong magbigay ng halaga sa 'yo.

Nakakapagod din palang mabuhay. Sobra. But that's it. Everyone will experience this so-called wheel of fortune. One day we'd be lucky, the other days would be plain enough for us to live by. The only thing we keep on doing is moving forward, bringing the bag of reasons with us.

And I am with my reason now...

I thought I'd loose myself and wander around the vast darkness but someone came; reminding me to continue breathing even if it's hard and suffocating.

I proudly smiled while combing my daughter's hazelnut hair with my fingers. I breathed in deeply, filling my nose with her baby scent. She came from me and I gave birth to her nearly six years ago.

Waking up every morning with a growing bump in my tummy is the reason why I choose to live. She's the reason who keeps me sane in this world full of insanity. I thanked her for coming into my life and lighting up the darkness that once wanted to succumbed me.

I accomplished everything because of her and my promise to myself six years ago has been crashed out from my to-do list.

Nagpatuloy ako sa pag-aaral ng kolehiyo noong kaya ko pang pumunta sa unibersidad kahit malaki na ang tiyan ko. I didn't keep my daughter from the eyes of everyone. Why would I when she's my life line? Lahat sila ay may alam kung paano ko binuhay at itinaguyod ang anak ko.

I also do part time jobs to have some savings for my pregnancy. Tuwing gabi ako nagtatrabaho sa isang fast food chain para man lang makapag-ipon ng pera para sa anak ko dahil mabilis lang ang panahon. Alam kong kakailanganin niya 'to balang araw at ibibigay ko ang lahat ng makakaya ko para sa ikabubuti niya.

Sabay rin kami ni Kin sa pagpasok at pag-uwi sa unibersidad, dala niya ang kotse ng Kuya niya dahil buntis raw ako at hindi daw ako dapat naglalakad lamang. Isa rin siya sa mga kaibigang tumulong sa akin kahit na hindi kami nagkakasundo sa mga bagay-bagay pero sobrang laki ng puso n'yan kahit nagmamaldita.

When I'm on my sixth months of pregnancy, I stopped going to the university. Instead, I stayed home, attending online classes. Mahirap pero gusto kong makakuha ng diploma kahit na nabuntis ako ng maaga.