Feelings On Paper

Do you remember? Of course you do

Do you remember when life was simpler?

When you carried your dolls into the living room,
asking abuela to play with you,
pestering her about what role she was to play.

The time you sat in mami's living room,
getting tickled by the only father you ever truly knew,
until the laughter turned into tears.

All the times you'd ask to use mami's laptop,
being on the phone with your best friend,
as you played games till bed time.

Moments in which you'd watch television,
even when you weren't supposed to,
and abuela wouldn't tell on you.

The sleepless nights in which abuela would sing to you,
about a god you doubted,
just to hear her voice until you fell asleep.

Coming home back from Doel's house,
to find your new room painted in your favorite colors,
not noticing how tired your mother's hands were.

Do you remember your youth?

In which you wished to be older,
to shave and trade with other girls,
because your mind became clouded with images of what would be acceptable.

The moment you asked someone,
whether liking girls was okay,
and your friend looked at you with disgust.

When abuela became someone you had to spend time with,
not someone you enjoyed being with,
or wanted to be with.

Moments in which you questioned what was wrong,
if you were different,
if you were not normal.

Distance ripping apart friendships,
you very well knew would be gone,
your innocence being ripped away as the jokes and mocking started.

Do you remember when it first happened?

You awoke with bed sheets stained,
a pain so horrible,
and a shame you couldn't understand.

The friends that mocked the lack of growth,
the ones that smiled out of pity,
and the ones that taught you things you wish you never knew.

When your love for dolls was bullied into being put away in boxes,
the love for being loud and creative,
copied and stolen by others more confident than you.

The boys made fun of you,
made you believe that the only love you'd ever receive,
was when you were gone.

Do you remember when you changed?

Began listening to music you didn't like,
just to impress others,
hoping to be accepted by those that rejected you.

Made mami spend hundreds of dollars in make up,
to impress one singular girl,
that in her immaturity,
would use you for her own amusement.

The gas wasted driving to his house,
not being aware that you were just another girl,
way younger than him,
perfect for manipulation.

Heart broken and standards low,
you let anyone and everyone,
walk all over you.

Believing that if you let them,
you'd understand what was wrong with you,
and you could fix yourself.

Do you remember stuffing them?

Pushing toilet paper down your bra,
hoping the blonde girl would stop calling you Boobless Freak,
just to end up changing in the showers of the locker room out of shame.

Used clear mascara and stole your mother's blush,
so the three popular girls would accept you,
only for them to forget your name.

Hearing other's pity stories,
the reactions others gave,
and making up your own for some attention.