Feelings On Paper

You'd Leave Me If You Knew The Real Me

I wish he saw me for me completely,
not in the romantic way of knowing my personality,
that he knows.

He knows I am artistic,
I write and draw my feelings out,
but he never reads or dissects my work.

He's aware what a nerd I am,
yet I wonder if he knows it's my way to escape reality.

He knows me to be athletic,
but I only am so that I don't disappoint him,
so that I don't hate my own body in the mirror.

He knows I am cheerful,
laughter and silliness filling rooms,
but those rooms hide so much within the walls he stays away from.

I wish he knew what it was like in my head—
That every thought is followed by an intrusive one,
that sadness is so much more adamant than joy.

If only he knew I don't cut myself anymore because he'd be the first to see,
that I can't be high or drunk all the time because he'd know.

If only he knew how much hatred I held for myself,
how insecure of myself I was.

If only he knew I think of death daily because I'm so exhausted of life,
that the only reason I'm here is because I am a coward at heart.

If only he knew that my love runs deep the way it does because I've never been treated with the bare minimum,
that I'm scarred by my past and every day I think of it.

If only he knew that when we went to the gun range,
I thought of how easy it'd be to point the barrel at my head,
what a relief it'd be if not only for the people I'd leave behind...

If only he knew how much I wish I could be someone else for him,
how much I wish I had been normal.

If only he knew that beneath the dark clothes,
the edgy music,
the strange likings,
laid a child so scared of life.

Oh love,
if you were in my head you'd leave me in a heart beat.