Feelings On Paper

in security

as time passes,
feelings show,
and their intensity grow.

the feelings i had gotten use to repressing,
are quickly regressing
the little progress i had made.

i let myself fall,
into a pit of insecurity,
with everything, anxiety awaits.

i don't know what is wrong,
what is right,
and what to not care about.

my head runs wild—
scenarios that will never happen,
storm themselves into my beliefs.

the headache forms harder than ever,
frowning won't stop the pain,
but i can't seem to let go.

insecurity comes from anxiety,
anxiety comes from fear,
and fear is irrational.

what doesn't kill me,
will slowly eat at me,
the longer i remain silent.

i want to shout out my worries,
my pain,
and my fear.

i want to ask for help,
and yet that same fear that haunts me,
stops me from seeking out—

a cycle without end,
a storm with no wind,
a stream with no current.

the cycle repeats very slowly due to these factors,
like a chain code designed to never cease,
yet begs to be shut down.

a promise so hard to keep,
that my head tries to escape my conscious state,
to forget i ever promised not to—

but its not a promise i did to myself,
one i also made to him,
so how could i let me fall victim to myself?

my fears are in a prison with no guards,
or locks,
so insecurity took over...

i suppose security,
never came with proper etiquette,
just a base manual to follow.

having never been conditioned to be safe,
i hug myself to hold it all inside,
and let my eyes fall close.

the doctor prescribed something in case of emergencies,
as if he knew i'd be in trouble with my own head,
and now i'm too drugged up to finish this poem.