Feelings On Paper

8/7/22

do you think it stops at some point? thinking of you always brings a sudden wave of sadness... every time. you'd think after over two months the crying would stop. but it doesn't go away, i suppose. not being able to say im sorry for all that i'm guilty of makes me feel like i'm stuck forever reminiscing on the moments i could have said im sorry. all the moments i could have said things differently. all the times that i felt like i loved you more than anyone else and still chose to act as if i didn't. do you think it'll ever stop hurting as much as it does now? i guess i'm sorry for saying i didn't fit in your life and i didn't see me in your future. that was a lie. i saw myself in it in so many different ways, once where i compromised the most, ones you'd compromise the most, ones where there wasnt a need for compromise, ways where we were happy. i lied because at that very moment, i felt so hopeless about myself, that i felt like a future with me meant having to do things you didnt want to. im sorry about what i said with the whole sex thing. that wasn't you. that was me, feeling worthless, like i wasnt good enough for you to have sex with me. im sorry about the fighting. its all i was use to and i didnt know how to stop. i didnt want drama, i wanted to be happy with you, i wanted to be perfect for you. at that very moment, it felt like i could never be that. i'm sorry for every time i made you feel like you were less than you were because of your mental illness. i wish i had been supportive in a better way fit for you. i just wanted you to be your best too hastily. im sorry for burdening you with thoughts and feelings that had nothing to do with you. i should have kept those to myself. im sorry of my jealousy towards the time you gave your friends and family. im sorry for me not being as smart and sometimes even acting dumb and making you frustrated, i just liked it when you showed off how smart you were. im sorry for everything i suppose.
now that i think about it, it feels like i did absolutely nothing right and that i made you miserable. im sorry.
has it stopped with you? the sadness, i mean. if so, im glad, i wouldn't want you to experience this pain.