Feelings On Paper

im tired of pretending im not broken

i wanna be able to one day take a hold of my negative thoughts and control them,
to have a voice of reason that is louder than those thoughts.

i don't want life to continuously seem against me because i know its not.

i know everything i am doing is my own choice even if i make it seem in my head like im being forced to—and im not.

im making it seem that way because im not use to this,
im not comfortable with giving up the bare minimum to make someone else happy.

my mind has been wired to believe that the world is against me and each and every single moment that is an inconvenience was a direct attack at me and that maybe i'm not doing good enough.

my voice of reason fails to remind me sometimes,
that others may not mean to hurt me,
others don't realize that their honesty still hurts,
and that things happen for a reason.

things happen so that i can recollect myself and fix things in my head—
the way ive been conditioned to think. i take things too personal,

i let my heart get hurt before logic analyzes the situation and i cry over the smallest of things.

ive been conditioned to believe that if something isn't perfect,
then it's broken and i shouldn't bother with it.

that if things aren't going okay,
then they will never be okay.

and my voice of reason often goes mute,
but in that silence,
i know this thinking is wrong.

i can't help wanting to cry,
i cant help but wishing i could scream at the top of my lungs in anger,
i cant help but wanting to get into a fist fight with myself—somehow—
but I can control actually doing it.

when I know i shouldn't be so upset that i wanna either end things or off myself,
i don't let myself cry
or scream
or hurt myself.

there's no reason to be upset because the world isnt against me.

and every year,
sometimes every six months,
i'll tell myself im better and that mentally ive gotten better
but it never feels like i do in the end.

so instead,
i'll just act as if i'll never get better and work as hard as anyone broken would need to.