Feelings On Paper

this one (did not) goes to my grave

I love you from afar, it's the damnest thing. I want nothing but to see you and spend time with you, hold hands down the street, caress each other's arms while watching a movie, be pressed against one another while we finally fall asleep well into the morning, kiss each other good morning, watch each other get dressed for another day out doing mundane things...

When I'm with you though, something takes over me, it's like that urge to hug you and kiss you and be with you, all dissipate at your front door. Your voice becomes an annoying alarm, your laugh mocks me with happiness, your I love yous become harder to respond to, and your touch makes my skin crawl.

I can't tell what it is. When we are apart, I want nothing other than be claimed as yours, yet when we are together, I doubt it by the passing hour.

It's not commitment anymore, I know. Because if it were him, I'd jump into a relationship right away, but when it's you, the idea makes me feel stuck. It's not love, because when I think of you, I love you, but if it were him, I could fall in love with the very first kiss. It can't be that you're not good enough, because honestly, you are amazing...

I think it's me. I think I don't love myself as much as I thought. The more you question whether you are good enough for me, the more I wonder if I am. But that can't be it, because, with him, I'd only feel like he's a tad out of my league.

Ah, that's it. That's what it is, I don't know where I stand with him, so you are stuck on standby till I get a straight answer. Oh, I'm sorry. I just realized that I am using you. I am the bad guy. You are quite literally on standby for me to settle.

Because him-- I mean, his body, his face, his smile, his laugh, his jokes, his thrive, his passion, his strength, his understanding, his mannerisms, his everything does not compare to literally anyone else. And if I were given the chance, I'd love him as if I have never loved before.

I truly am a piece of shit for this, and I know how bad it will hurt you, but a month in already? How could I leave you without hurting myself if given the opportunity?

It seems as though I might hurt both of us if he were to give me a chance. I'm so sorry dear, I do love you, but as a person, I love a lot, and I might love him more.

What a shame.