Feelings On Paper

7/29/22

i miss you
i miss the way your legs would fit between mine when we laid down, how youd let me fall asleep on your chest while you played civ or halo. i miss the way your voice was soft on my ear. i miss the way your hair felt between my hands. i miss laughing together to nothing. i miss playing the same star wars movie every night to have in the background. i miss finding new favorite songs from your playlist. i miss the safety you brought with every hug. i miss the way your eyebrows turned in concern when i hadn't eaten. i miss the way your eyes smiled with your lips whenever you were happy. i miss the sighing in content when i'd caress your arms. i miss the way you always held me close when we kissed. i miss the way you held onto my hips when we did more than just kiss. i miss you calling me yours. i miss that chuckle when you hit the right spot. i miss the giggling we'd share after. i miss our late night talks. i miss looking into your eyes and losing myself in them. i miss when you'd whisper in my ear that you loved me. i miss us listening to old hits and singing them together. i miss your hand on my thigh when we drove. i miss your mac and cheese that will forever be the best out of all. i miss the way liquor tasted on your lips. i miss how it made you so clingy and childish. i miss looking at the sun set by the beach. i miss not being able to decide what to eat, so we'd lay down telling each other to pick. i miss the way you'd check on me with company. i miss the way you so meticulously painted your figures, humming or singing to songs that became my favorites. i miss the way you'd take a break in between to come kiss me, ask how i was doing. i miss complaining about the same things together and the way we'd get more excited when we agreed on things. i miss the way you'd hold my hand, and how perfectly we fit. i miss when you sang for me, the same song over and over again, thinking you were just being funny, when in fact, it made me fall in love with you more. i miss when we'd tell each other we'd stop eating out so much and keep doing it anyways. i miss the way you curled up to me when we slept, even if your snoring made me push you away... i havent slept well since not hearing you snore... i miss when id be embarrassed and you'd say it was okay. i miss when you laid on my chest and we looked at memes together. i miss when looking at you alone cured any sadness. i miss when we'd annoy your cat together. i miss your funny voices and how i miserably failed at recreating them. i miss saying "do it again" when youd amuse me. i miss looking up from my writing to see you smile at me mid game. i miss the way i fit perfectly as little spoon. i miss the way you always smelled good no matter what, and i became "stinky girl." i miss when you held my hair back for me while i put on necklaces. i somehow now miss the eye rolls to my dumb remarks. i miss telling you you looked just fine the way you were and admiring your body no matter how hard you tried to cover yourself. i miss holding you when you cried... the one time... i miss reassuring you things would be okay. i miss talking about our future. i miss discussing important things and agreeing so well, we'd tell each other we love each other. i miss always being impressed at how smart you were. i miss being amazed by you when we watched wheel of fortune and jeopardy. i miss the way youd cuss whenever you got an answer wrong and say you hated the shows, then continue to watch them every single day. i miss when you called me beautiful... i wonder if you still think the same...i miss doing such weird things we'd say "why are we like this?" i miss when we'd jokingly say "why am i with you?" and the other would respond "because you love me," and if it was me, you'd say "eh."
i miss when you loved me.
when it wasn't hard to love me.
when a future was clear and our love was not doubted.
i wish, that with my everything, you knew how much i loved what we had,
and now that i go through the guilt stage of my recovery,
ive never regretted something as hard as i regret leaving you.
i miss you.