Feelings On Paper

do you think i deserved it?

i have no sense of diction,
no sense of when enough is enough,
when the line has been crossed.

i am clueless to my own pain,
but so aware of the universe's agony,
to the point that it numbs me.

i know not of what is wrong with my mind,
but that there is a slight error,
in the computer.

i lash out in anger to those i love,
turn cold at the caring words,
and scream off the others' gift of love.

but do you think i deserved it?

to have my purity touched when I was 6,
to be shushed into secrecy,
to be slapped into shame for three years?

memory wiped of a child's happiness,
no recollection of my innocence's disappearance,
until the next time?

be forced into someone's arms when i was 14,
hands in between my legs while wincing in pain,
an expression so obvious in disgust?

shoved against a wall at 15,
unwanted lips all over me,
marking me as theirs when i belonged to no one?

drinks shoved down my throat at 18,
promises of  safety,
and a white lie filling me inside?

did i deserve it?

50 dollars after,
and it became 100,
then 150.

daddy's money could prevent it,
it all was for pleasure,
while i was in pain and scared.

was it worth talking of what i wanted,
and still going against it,
shoving inside me at 19?

was it worth breaking me,
not my body,
but the mind that learned to hate it?

the body that learned to deflect words and touch,
smacking them away,
mouth spouting words out of fear.

i deserved it,
didn't i?

for all the mistakes i did,
for trusting the wrong people,
for believing it would be different.

i deserved it.

i deserved it.

i deserved it.

i deserved it. i deserved it.

i deserved it. i deserved it. i deserved it. i deserved it.

i deserved it. i deserved it. i deserved it. i deserved it. i deserved it. i deserved it.i deserved it. i deserved it. i deserved it. i deserved it.i deserved it. i deserved it. i deserved it. i deserved it.i deserved it. i deserved it. i deserved it. i deserved it