My Charlotte Hates Me

Chapter 57: My Ideals

[The Past]

In a long buried memory of mine from our first lives, I remember Arielle asking me if I loved this country. The answer I gave that day...oh, how I regret it so much now...

"I do not particularly love or hate this country," I answered.

"...I see. I just have to work that much harder then. I will just have to make this country into one you can say that you can love from the bottom of your heart. I hope that you can see my dream through," Arielle said.

At the time, I never took her words to heart. All I had were desperate feelings of wanting to be closer to Arielle without ever understanding her hopes and wishes. I thought I was a minuscule piece of Arielle's life, unable to have a great influence on her or offer her advice.

[Present]

"...If you cared about me so much, why have you never sought for my help? Why wait until everything was too late?" I said under my breath.

"Char! Are you okay? Are you that sad that my engagement has been broken off?" Arielle asked.

"Are you really going to stop pursuing His Highness?" I asked.

"I cannot see myself being happy by throwing myself into a hopeless love. This is the decision I have made for myself and not anyone else's," Arielle said.

"I..."

"I have been meaning to ask this since earlier...but who is Eli?" Arielle asked.

I had been mentioning someone who has not been born yet. Of course, she would not know that very person she is inquiring about is her own son.

At this rate, Eli will never be born...and those memories I had of raising Eli, will they all be forgotten as well?

"Eli is...Of course, you would not know who Eli is," I said half laughing and weeping. "If you could send me off to Hell with one sentence, that would be enough."

I was so distraught that I could not control my expressions, resulting in Arielle's face of dread.

"...I'm sorry, Charlotte," Arielle apologized.

Even if it was not remotely her fault, I could no longer know how to face her as I was right now.

"...I...I want to be alone," I said as I got to my feet and ran away.

"Charlotte!"

At first, I could never dream of having you. Next, I was not allowed to be by your side. After that, I was criticized for wanting to follow you. Now, I have to push you away from me into the arms of a man you do not love if I want to see Eli again? Why is my love so hateful that every decision I make ultimately ends in Arielle's misery?

"Why cannot anyone tell me what I am doing wrong? Do I have to choose between Arielle's happiness and wanting to see Eli again?" I asked myself.

No one else...is being crushed by the weight of these memories. Just how much longer do I have to be trapped by the past?

I went back to my room and hugged my knees on my bed after changing into my nightgown. My purpose in life was suddenly becoming so vague that I no longer knew what to do anymore. All I wanted to do now was just sit in my bed and helplessly reminisce the days of my previous life. I wanted to go back, but at the same time, I wanted to stay here with Arielle where she was still alive and breathing.

I am sure that regardless of any decision that is made from now, I will end up missing Eli terribly...

For the next few days, I laid in bed without doing anything other than hugging my sheets and crying into my pillow. I was aware that doing this was of no help to anyone involved, but my heart mourned in the same way as having lost something very important to me. All I wanted to do was waste away on my bed. It was much easier than choosing between Arielle's happiness and making sure that Eli was born.

"...Charlotte, I'm sorry...Won't you please show your face just once?" Arielle asked after knocking three times at my door.

I coldly ignored her and continued laying in my bed motionlessly.

A few moments later, I heard knocking at my window. Thinking that it was a bird that had accidentally ran into the clear windows, I went to check up on it.

"Arielle!" I said in surprise.

This was the third floor. For her to have stand right outside my window, she must have been standing on the ledge, but the ledge was not very wide to begin with.

I quickly opened my window and pulled her in by her wrist. I lost my balance and slipped onto my back with Arielle falling on top of me. I waited for Arielle to move but she did not seem to be moving any time soon. Furthermore, I found her arms wrapped around my neck and squeezing me tightly.

"Even if you hate me, at least shout or curse at me so that I know you are still alive," Arielle said as she squeezed my body. "When you went silent, I thought something bad had happened to you."

"...I was just lost in thought," I said.

"Can we stop all of this already?" Arielle asked as she hugged me even tighter. "I want to make up with you again."

"I am not mad at you," I said.

"That is a lie! Why did you say that I pushed you to Hell? Why are you trapped in your room without seeing anyone for days not even letting me in? Was it not because you were upset with me?" Arielle asked frantically.

"I am really not mad!" I said.

"Then, why are you so upset!" Arielle asked as she got off of me and began shaking me at my collar. "Is it because I am giving up my place as Crown Princess? It is not so easy of a feat for me! I worked so hard until I vomited blood over and over until my heart would grow stale, but now all of that effort has gone down the drain and become useless. Now, I have been abandoned by His Highness and my reputation has been damaged. I will most likely be known as an abandoned woman and my marriage candidates will only be limited to those who only want me for either my family's power or my looks. I do not want to continue staining my reputation by vying for a man who does not love me...At the very least, I want you to continue holding a shred of respect for me. If you were to abandon me as well, I really will be left with nothing...Not even death would help me!"

"...If it was up to me, I want you to get married to His Highness and become Queen. That is the only way for me to see Eli again, but when I think about your happiness, I cannot force myself to make you go down a path full of misery even if it means abandoning my ideals [and the you from my previous life]," I said.

"I am sorry for everything," Arielle said as she threw her arms around my neck and hugged me tightly.

"Why are you always apologizing?" I asked.

"It seems that you are always suffering when making decisions concerning me. For always thinking about me, thank you...and I'm sorry for making you feel miserable," Arielle said.

I hugged her tightly, hoping that she would not notice my tears.

I am sorry for abandoning you Eli for my friend's happiness right in front of me...

.