My Charlotte Hates Me

Chapter 44: I Wanted to Die

A delicate white hand reaching out to me from the darkness...that is how I imagine a cruel Angel would take me away from the world of the living.

"...Arielle," I said weakly.

When I opened my eyes, I saw a white ceiling. It did not resemble my childhood bedroom but that of a high class hospital room. I touched my neck to feel the soft texture of bandages wrapped heavily around my neck.

"...I failed again," I said quietly.

I failed to die...

"What do you mean by you failed?" someone in the room asked.

I blinked a few times to focus better on the hazy figure to my right. It was Eli himself.

"...Eli?" I said in surprise.

"...Yeah, it is me," Eli said as he grabbed my right hand. "Do you remember what happened?"

"I...got hurt and then...everything went dark," I said.

"You saved a Doctor from being stabbed and inevitably got hurt yourself...Everyone is calling you a Hero and a Saint, but I cannot think of what you did that same way. You are a fool...an irredeemable fool!" Eli said with a harsh tone. He began shedding tears as he continued with his kind scolding. "What kind of person chooses to save someone else over themselves?"

"Doctor Roman is maybe one of the only Doctors willing to treat patients with little reward...It would be a shame if anything had happened to him," I said.

"What...What about yourself! Do you not value your life at all? Why must you do this all of the time? Is it so important to hold up your image for others?" Eli asked as he released his hold over my hand.

"...It is not my image that I am upholding," I said.

"For whom then? Who are you doing all of this for?" Eli asked.

"As long as their ideals are accomplished, I do not care what happens to me," I said.

"...Charlotte, why can you...not love yourself?" Eli asked as he lowered his head.

"...I do not deserve to be loved," I said.

"Why?" Eli asked.

"I hate myself...for failing to save the person I wanted to save the most," I said.

"Even you experience failure?" Eli asked.

"Of course I have...over and over again. I have experience failure with each more harsh than the last. Every choice I make ends with someone else dying or someone suffering from the consequences of my actions. I am not a solution to this world. I am a plague," I said as I looked back towards the ceiling.

"There is no person who is happy with being a loser," Eli said.

I can think of one silver haired man who would be happy with failure...

"No, I am not happy with my results either. It is not like I want to be like this either. I want to be happy too...with someone I love," I said shakily. I brought my hands over my eyes. "Every time I think that I have reached a happy ending, everything begins to fall apart as if it was never meant to be. I really am not meant to be happy."

"That isn't true!" Eli said as he pulled my hands away from my eyes. "You were meant to be happy! You gave me everything from a warm bed to a loving family. I eventually fell in love with someone as warm as you. Is that not...some way of the universe telling you that you were meant to be loved? If you were really meant to be tortured, why would so many people come to love you? We all love you just as you are. All you need to do now is love...no, forgive yourself."

"I can never forgive myself. If it was not for me...that person would still be alive...I do not deserve any of your sincere feelings," I said.

"...Are you saying that my mother's death was your fault? How long do you think it has been since then? It is not your fault! It could not be helped that you could not save her in time! I...at the very least...do not blame you for what happened," Eli said.

That is a lie...I could have changed it all. I could have saved her...if only I could have abandoned you all and Arielle's will first.

"I am pretty sure that I am to blame for your father's death as well," I said.

"You are just saying nonsense now. My father, most honorable man in the kingdom, would not easily fall. There is no way that you could have killed my father," Eli said.

"I indirectly killed your father with my choices and actions...In this world, or any world, I am the only one able to influence it. Therefore, all of your suffering is my fault as well," I said.

"...How can you say that with complete confidence? It is as if you knew everything that was going to happen," Eli said.

I do...

"My sin is saving someone who was supposed to die much earlier. If it was not for her will...I could have joined her again," I said.

"What will? Was it Mother's will?" Eli asked.

"Your mother asked me to do several things...Part of her will was for me to take care of you and her beloved kingdom until you were old enough to do it yourself," I said.

"...Was that all of her will?" Eli asked with a serious expression. "It seems like you are leaving something out."

I bit my lip slightly.

"...Your mother...No, Arielle forbid me from following after her and asked that I use up all of my happiness for you," I said.

"...Following after her? What do you mean by that?" Eli asked.

"...I wanted to die with her," I said.

"You wanted to die with her...Were you that miserable without her? Do you hate me that much?" Eli asked.

"...I loved her so much. A world without her is like a country without water...terribly arid and lifeless. I wanted to die so badly, but she forbid me because of you. For a while, I hated...and blamed you for her choosing you over me. I am always coming in second place, so I should have expected for her to choose someone else over me, but I could not accept it and directed my misplaced anger at you...I'm sorry...I am terribly sorry for everything," I said apologetically.

"...What about now? Do you still...want to die?" Eli asked in a pained tone.

"In the beginning, I thought that I could not grow fond of anyone other than Arielle...Why do you all have to prove me wrong? Why do you all have to be so kind and endearing? It just makes it that much more difficult to leave all of you," I said as tears began falling from my cheeks.

"If I have to be more endearing to make you stay with me longer, I will do whatever it takes," Eli said.

I found my vision getting hazier by the second.

"I wanted to die...Now, I do not mind living in this world for a little longer. I want to live in this world with you...our...my treasure...a little longer," I said as I slowly lost consciousness.

Of course, all of my wishes never come true. I died right after saying those last words and ended up returning to the past again.

"...Even though I wanted to stay with him a little longer...my curse of unhappiness would not let me."

That dreamlike future was one of the saddest and most happy timelines that I had ever been in...but that happiness does not belong to me one bit.

If I could, I would give up anything to return, but of course I am meant to suffer over and over again...over and over...over and over...for all eternity.

.