Maybe, Probably 1

Kabanata 20

Kabanata 20

someday

Truth be told, gaya ng binitawang salita ni Gabriel, nasundan pa iyon ng maraming tagpo, kung hindi sa library, sa canteen naman o kahit saan man sa campus. Nangyari ang lahat ng iyon sa loob ng isang linggo. I can't help but be confused with him. 

He already rejected me before, and yet in a blink of an eye, he started being showy in front of everyone! I mean, what changed? I thought he didn't like me, not at all. Tapos ngayon, bigla nalang niya akong guguluhin at magsasabi ng mga salitang inaasam ko mula sa kanya? Dahil ba may Rayver na?

I badly want to laugh right now. Did he thought I won't be able to like someone else? Akala ba niya mangugulo pa rin ako sa buhay niya sa kabila ng sakit na natamo ko sa kanya? 

Yes, I loved him. Noon. O hanggang ngayon pa rin ba? Hindi ko na alam kung ano ang mararamdaman ko ngayon. Gabriel suddenly became the living of my fantasies when I was 12.

All the things that I hoped he would do for me, was slowly coming to reality. Ang pagsilibihan niya ako na para bang ako ang tanging taong nakikita niya. 

Ang pagtitig niya sa akin na para bang ako ang pinakamagandang babae sa mundo. Ang mga ngiti at tawa niyang minsan ko lang makita, was all becoming real. Because that's what he always do to me now.

He would wait for me in the gates and walk me to my classroom. He would wait outside our classroom every breaks and would give me food in which he cooked himself. He would eat with me, in our table. 

It all felt surreal. And I hate myself for being a hypocrite, saying that I already love Rayver and I would give him my time, when I was enjoying every bit of it, forgetting about Rayver who was still in Manila taking care of his Lola in the hospital.

I hate that all those fast heartbeats and butterflies came back. I hate seeing Gabriel smile or laugh in front of me and then I would suddenly feel the world move in slow motion. I hate him for bringing back my feelings for him in the middle of my relationship with someone else. 

I hate how I wouldn't be able to sleep at night, desperately waiting for the sun to rise just so I could see him. I hate how I couldn't hold myself back from loving him. I hate how I can't stop myself from accepting him wholly. I hate how I am not even doing anything just to stop him. 

I hate it all. I hate him. I hate him so much. Yet I love him.

Ilang araw bago ang aking kaarawan ay hindi pa din dumadating si Rayver. He also wasn't able to reply on my messages. I've thought about it for a while, I want to say everything to him in person. Because he deserve that. I can't suffice breaking up with him through a text message.

I just... this needs to stop. Hindi ko na kayang magsinungaling pa sa sarili ko. Mahal ko parin siya, at kahit kailan hindi nawala iyon. Mas lalo lamang lumala. 

Marahil pinaniwala ko ang sarili kong napamahal na ako kay Rayv kahit hindi naman para lang mapanindigan ko ang pakikipagrelasyon sa kanya. I badly tried to, but in the end kay Gabriel pa rin pala ang bagsak ko.