blender

i'm broke but i'm not broken.

2/3/15:

(thanks to my classmate jimena for title inspiration)

IOAHEFRIHTERT

lemme start.

okay, if you guys are getting confused,

nk and i are not talking much now.

but i want to talk to him.

but it's just that it's been so long since we've actually decently talked that i just don't know how i can straight up talk to him anymore.

i can't even look at him without wanting to cry.

okay?

i just don't know if i can take being treated terribly blow after blow anymore.

i just want to know if he still cares, okay?

i keep hoping that he still cares and that he's still the funny awkward dork that i knew in 7th grade.

i miss him. i know i keep saying this, but i miss him.

i just don't know if it's too late or if i waited too long.

the latter is what i'm trying to avoid. or the truth i'm trying to escape.

he's been on my mind, and i've never felt this sort of lovesickness in a while.

are we strangers now?

you know, i've never thought that something like this would happen.

i thought things would get happy, but that's what i get for pouring my cup to the half mark.

i'm regretting so many things, but i don't even know what i'm regretting.

was it right for me to ignore him?

it seemed like the right choice for me. you know, to just escape the pain and wait for my heart to take a rest. so i can try once again. ha. what's the point?

it's stupid of me to do that. i could have gone up and talked to him about it, resove, but no, i had to just be a bitchy wuss and hide. jesus christ. 7th grade me doesn't know the shit she has gotten into.

but then, in the midst of walowing in my feelings, he probably doesn't even care.

why should i be thinking about this if i'm probably the only one worrrying?

of 7 billion people, each with their own problems, it's foolish to say that my problems, my stupid, petty, pathetic problems, matter.

hey, future me? remember how i asked you about you getting with nk?

i'm not forcing you to do it.

but if that's what makes you happy, go the fuck right ahead.

just don't let yourself get hurt anymore okay?

and if you ever find yourself with another guy, make sure you never make the mistakes i did.

i don't want you to be wallowing in your thoughts.

i have souveniers from 7th grade if you ever get lonely, kay? photos, skype, that thing he drew for you, the one with a boat. yeah. tbiytc? you remember that boat?

you loved it. "the best is yet to come."

i remember how this girl ripped it and you glued it back together with your little purple glue stick to the best of your ability.

i hope you won't get yourself in the same mess i did.

and please stop talking to yourself.

i know it clears your mind and stuff, but please.

i'm getting tired of listening to you.