blender

a letter to him:

1/7/15:

sorry if i've been talking about the same thing for a while, but i just need this fucking thing off my chest ^__^

to him:

umm...

i don't know if you'd read this but,

i still like you. there, i said it. you're prolly not reading this though, so i might still be stuck in this same hole.

i was gonna tell you before winter break, but you threw away my note, so that didn't go too well.

i guess i just gave up after that. i mean, what's the point in feeling sad for two weeks? i'm not letting that ruin my break.

and i heard people have been gossiping about us, which pisses me off even more, bc i don't need rumors to make me feel worse. things like "they're not dating anymore."

i don't need people trying to define my life if they don't even know anything about it.

we weren't dating in the first place, not that it matters but, i've been waiting to... or at least letting you know that i've been waiting. i have been waiting a hella long time.

but, none of that happened, so here am i waiting for a train ride that'll never come.

maybe it's too late. maybe i tried to confess too late and you don't feel the same anymore.

in that case, it's okay. don't worry about me. move on far away, where this whole little crush is just a memory in the back of your mind.

i might have brought this upon myself, who knows? i've done quite a few things that i regret now,

but i'm sure as hell that those decisions seemed right to me back then.

after times when talking to you made me feel worse, i'd stay silent for a while, avoid you.

i don't know why, but i get uncomfortable if i'd try talking to you after i get hurt.

guess i can't avoid being awkward.

despite all that, i still like you. it's always been like that. it hurts when i try to ignore you.

if only i could just tell you right out in the open. but i don't know if you'd listen after my little note. so i am here, venting out my feelings in this book, hoping that, by chance, you'd take a look.

i'm missing a lot about, you know, us. but all i have right now is memories. and i'm really bad at remembering things.

so maybe we can talk and let go of what happened? (:

but if you don't want to, just know that's it's completely oukay.

(if you actually are reading this, hi.)

- elaina

Ps. there was one elaina mood i left out during that one convo:

the elaina that's too scared to say anything about how she feels. she doesn't know how it'll end and doubts herself so much that she stays silent.