blender

wishy-washy

12/24/14 (w00t xmas eve):

hai.

so i guess i'm what you call wishy washy, or spineless, or indecisive.

but for me, it's a daily obstacle that prevents me from making choices based on what i want to do.

because i really like it when everyone is happy. i feel really guilty if i'm the one who makes someone feel bad.

so basically, i try to please everyone.

but it's impossible to please everyone. you wanna know why?

because of all my life of trying to make everyone happy, the one person i KNOW isn't happy is me.

i don't want to hurt anyone's feelings by saying "no" to them. (heads up, it's hard for me to say no without feeling guilty.)

but let's say two different groups of people wanna hang out on the same day. there's a group that i want to go with more. i'd rather go with that group, but the other group makes me feel so fucking guilty of myself and makes me feel like i'm the worst, most selfish human on the planet.

"so you don't wanna hang with me? Fine."

"oh, you'd rather go with them? Fine by me."

so i go with that group instead.

repeat five days a week.

clingy, possessive people are my weakness.

if you're that type of person who makes me feel bad for how i want to live my life, we cannot, i repeat, we cannot be friends.

bc for once in my life, i want to make myself happy without the slightest bit of guilt.

but that's not the only scenario i was caught in.

these two dudes, i don't know why, but they come up to me and poke my sides, bc i'm very sensitive there, and watch my reaction. it's funny the first few times, but now, it just gets awkward as shit. as if i need to be more awkward already.

and I KNOW for sure that one of them has a relationship with a girl, so i'm like, what the fuck are you doing with me instead to her?

i'd like to tell him no, but that'd mean i'd be shutting down one of his sources of enjoyment.

until one of my friends told me to say no right in front of him.

so i did, and i saw the look in his face, and I FEEL LIKE SHIT.

but you know, he wasn't a friend to begin with, not that i needed one, so i'm feeling better.

so final thought: if you guys decide to put me in between a situation like this for kicks, i'll get a rock, smash it on your heads,

and feel guilty about it afterwards.