blender

._____________________.

2/1/15:

well, my parents got mad at me for staying in bed too late.

umm guys, i need time to rest and be lovesick kay?

they think i've been staying in bed chatting with people.

haha, no. i'm too awkward to chat for 3 hours straight.

but i can listen to music and feel real lonely for 3 hours straight.

so.... i've been mising him today for some reason.

yeah yeah i know, why should i, i'm just setting myself up for pain.

the last conversation i had with him didn't fair too well, it just ended up with us talking about test scores, and him saying "cool", and that time, i didn't know how to respond, so i just kept quiet.

i just find it realy hard to respond cause it feels like i'm the only one trying to keep the convo alive, even though he's the one who messaged me first. normally, i'd find a way to kindle to the metaphorical fire, but right now, it's damp, and i can't start it.

so anyways, i got really lonely this morning and my parents caught me listening to songs on my phone while eating matcha flavored crackers. and they thought i was talking too much. exactly the opposite of what i was doing.

i'd tell them about my problems, but my dad called me spoiled the last time i told him about how lonely i get, soooo, i'd rather not.

also it's about a boy, so my mom's gonna smash my phone and my skype.

actually, i once asked my dad for advice about nk, but i said that he was a "friend". i guess he believed me, cause he said that it wasn't worth it.

he said nk doesn't care about this as much as i do, so why should i care? and that struck me. my dad's really straight forward with his answers. sometimes it hurts, but at least he's not beating around the bush.

(he once simply said that my wishy-washyness is a weakness after i asked him for help with a guy. it sounds really weak here, but it hit me hard when he just said it to my face.)

anyways, i'm having problems and i can't have help from my parents cause they'd get mad or my friends cause they have their own problems and problems can't be the only thing i talk about.

why do i like him. why. why. he's so confusing and dense. why. why is talking to him hard. he doesn't even talk a lot in person. why. everything's online and talking online is stupid.