blender

(f-u)ture

12/21/14:

so sometimes, i think about my life and what i'm gonna do with it.

(lol, no it's not an existential crisis, it's more of a "oh fuck me my life is turning to shit" crisis.)

usually that gets me nowhere, but i think about the future nonetheless.

bc since my school is trying to get us to find our "element" and "dream school", they ask us a lot about our useful interests and colleges we would kill to go to.

the thing is, i have no idea for anything they ask me.

i don't know what i want to do, i don't know what career path i wanna take, i don't even know what i want on top of my pizza.

and here i am, not knowing what to do with my life while all my friends have their motivations and goals set up, ready to be reached.

and even if i find an interest, what's the point?

there are gonna be several thousand other people with the same interest, with the same goal in mind, and they're probably better at it than me.

even if i find my dream college, how will i stand out from the thousand other people signing up?

how can i distinguish myself from countless other people so i can go to my college, so i can reach my dream, if i can't even rise at the top at whitney?!

i could take all the extracurricular activities i want, study for all my tests nonstop, have no social life whatsoever, and there are still gonna be people who are better and more worthy than me,

bc they are being forced to do it.

they are not allowed to rest, to talk, to live.

so they can achieve the dreams of their parents.

and to that, i say bullshit.

why are we being the pack mules to achieve the dreams of others when we have our own lives to lead, our own goals to set, our own dreams to finally grasp with our reaching hands, so we actually feel fufilled?

i just want to travel, to spend time with my friends and family, to fall in love (the right way), because i'm afraid that one day, i might wake up from an all-nighter and look at the clock, and realize that all of my life will have slipped out of my fingers and that my life has lost its meaning.

And by the time I realize, it'll be too late to grab my life back.