Fractured [SHAWN MENDES]

~13~

Shawn brought the empty wine glasses to the sink to rinse them out and then sat back down on the couch, putting his bare feet up on the wooden coffee table. Suddenly, a thought occurred to him. "I'm such an asshole! I haven't asked how your mom is! How did her scan go today?"

Taryn waved a hand dismissively. "It's okay that it wasn't on your mind. We've been pretty focused on your stuff so I understand. To answer your question, I don't know. The tech who does the scan doesn't give the results. They'll get sent to her oncologist who will then call her or ask her to come in. If she gets good news, she wants to start working half shifts a few days a week. My mother is not one to enjoy sitting around doing nothing."

"I'll be sending all sorts of positive energy and healing light her way."

"Are you still interested in all that stuff?"

Shawn cocked his head. "You knew I was into things like that?"

Taryn could feel her whole face turn bright red. She wasn't about to let him know that she'd had a bit of a crush on him five years ago. "I saw it when I googled you during the trial."

"You're blushing."

"It's the red wine. It always does this to me," she lied.

Shawn knew she wasn't telling the truth but he didn't push. For the first time in ages, he felt the familiar rush a person gets when they have a moment with someone special. He wasn't sure what triggered it, but it was there.

"You were going to tell me about how you're feeling now. I read the interview, by the way," Taryn steered the conversation back on course.

The butterflies that had inhabited his stomach a few seconds earlier were replaced with lead. "Her words made me feel really low because she's completely changed her narrative. I get that I was pretty intense with my love, but I was never threatening. I'm not the type to hurt anyone, and I always try to avoid conflict and confrontations. The fact that she implied I had violent tendencies that she didn't recognize at the time is total bullshit!"

"Playing devil's advocate here...you did commit a violent act. Maybe it wasn't directed at a person, but you are responsible for a car crashing into her house. You might have some demons inside you that you aren't even aware of."

"Fair enough. There was something dark inside me that let me behave so recklessly, but that's not the same as being an abuser. I don't even like raising my voice in anger."

"I think she made it sound like you were potentially abusive, not that you hit her or even emotionally hurt her. She definitely chose her words carefully so that you couldn't refute them," Taryn said.

"Yeah, well the fact that she was vague was even worse because now people will be wondering what I did to make her feel that way. I know I'm never going to be the golden boy I once was, and I've accepted that, but I don't know if I can handle having lies about my character piled on top of everything else. It hurts to have people look at me with disgust or pity. I fucking miss my old life so goddamned much! I hate myself for ruining everything!" Shawn's head fell into his hands as he started to cry.

Taryn got up and moved so that she was right next to him. Hesitantly, she put an arm around him and he collapsed against her side as he gulped back heaving sobs. She really wasn't much of a hugger, yet she found herself wrapping both arms around his lean body with hopes it gave him some comfort. There were no words needed; her soothing embrace was enough. After five minutes or so, Shawn sat up and wiped his face on his hoodie sleeve.

"Jesus...I'm so sorry for falling apart," he apologized.

"Sometimes a good cry is what's needed. Do you feel better now?"

"A little. I think my embarrassment is overshadowing that, though. You didn't come here to get soaked with tears."

"I don't know if this is any consolation, but if we're friends long enough, I'll undoubtedly repay the favor," Taryn said with a empathetic smile.

Neither of them made any attempt to move even though they were so close that their thighs and shoulders were touching. Shawn felt that exciting rush again and wondered if she felt it, too. There was no denying that he'd found her extremely attractive from the first moment he'd laid eyes on her. There'd been no one since Winter, and even though he still had urges, he'd all but given up on the possibility of ever sharing intimacy with a woman again. His therapist, Paul, told him that was very dire thinking for a healthy twenty-seven year old, but he couldn't help it. He was torn apart by his mistake, and no one deserved a partner who was no longer whole.

Their eyes locked and there was this strange force that made Taryn want to touch him. She reached a hand up and placed it on Shawn's wet cheek. "With enough time, you'll be okay."

He placed his hand over hers. "I wish I believed that, but I'm broken."

"You might be fractured, but breaks can mend if you reset them. You need to try to forgive yourself so that the healing process can start."

Shawn could feel his heart pounding in his chest. He wanted to ask her if she'd help him glue the pieces back together, but they hadn't know each other for long, and only recently had they truly become friends. Yet...yet he somehow knew from the kindness in her blue eyes that she had the power to steer him off the self-loathing course he'd been on since he'd given the Lincoln a push down the hill.

"Stop it!" his conscience screamed in his head. "You'll only bring her down with you! She doesn't deserve that!"

"But what if she wants this?" his heart shouted back. "Maybe fate brought us together to help me move on from the pain of my mistakes!"

Taryn, unaware of the battle that was going on inside the beautiful man next to her, hoped that he might kiss her. She knew that was a bit weird since he'd been crying minutes earlier, but there'd definitely been a shift in their dynamic. The pull was getting stronger with each passing moment. "Shawn," she breathed before licking her lips in anticipation.

"Oh god...she does want this," he thought to himself. "She knows the whole story now, so it's not like I'm keeping anything from her..."

He'd never been so torn about whether to kiss someone in his entire life. Even his first awkward kiss at thirteen had been done with more confidence than he felt right now. He abruptly stood up. "I, uh, need to use the bathroom."

Once he was locked in the hall bath, he stared at his image in the mirror. His skin was still splotchy from his breakdown, his eyes were bloodshot, and his nose was bright red. He was a mess. After peeing, he washed his face and did some cleansing breaths before rejoining Taryn in the living room. He made a point to sit a few feet away from her.

"You okay?" she asked.

"I think you know the answer to that," he said with a sad smile. "It's getting pretty late. Don't you have a long day of school and work tomorrow?"

"Oh. Yes, I suppose I do," she replied as she realized that either their moment had passed or it had all been her imagination.

Shawn stood up and she followed him as he walked to the door. "Thanks for everything. I really needed a friend."

Friend. That word stung a bit. "I'm glad I could help."

After they said goodbye, she walked to the elevator and pressed the button for the lobby. "You got caught up for a second there, girl. It's obviously Mom's fault for even putting that idea in your head! Let it go and don't think that way again!"

Meanwhile, as Shawn leaned against his door, he was consumed with regret over not letting go and kissing Taryn McAllister.