Fractured [SHAWN MENDES]

~37~

"I'm not in love with Winter," Shawn stated.

"You sure made it sound like you were during that interview. You played me the recording, remember? I heard you!" Taryn tried not to let how much this hurt come through in her voice, but she wasn't very successful.

He closed his eyes and ran his hands through his hair. "What I meant is that I'm always going to have feelings for her because she was my first love. It's not like I want her back now. She's happily married and has a child!"

"But you said you might still be together if you hadn't been so smothering. There was something in the way you said it that made it sound like that's how you wish things had turned out." This was something that she'd thought about a lot lately.

"Jesus, Taryn! Do you blame me? Of course I wish that the whole chain of events that led up to me pushing that car down the hill hadn't happened. I wouldn't have gone to jail! I'd still be making music and touring! I wouldn't be the fucking broken mess I am now!" he said a bit too loudly.

Taryn nodded and got off the stool. "You also wouldn't have me. I know I don't compare to Winter or the life you once led, but I thought I mattered. I'm such a fool for falling in love with you."

She loved him? He was so dumbfounded by her words that she was almost at the door before he could move. Shawn chased after her and grabbed her arm and gently spun her around to face him. "You love me?"

"Yes, unfortunately." Tears filled her eyes. "I need to go. Please do me a huge favor and stay away from the bar. I'm going to need some time to get over you, and if you're hanging around, that won't be possible."

He took a step closer to her. "Please don't leave. All I'm asking is for a chance to explain myself."

Taryn looked into the beautiful brown eyes that were pleading with her to stay. The rational part of her brain was screaming at her to run, but the emotional part told her that maybe they could work things out. "Okay."

They took their coffees and sat down on opposite wings of the sectional sofa. Shawn gathered his thoughts for a few seconds before speaking. "I wish I could say that I wouldn't change a thing in my past, but I can't. It's unfair of you to expect that from me. It's not that I want to time travel to when I had Winter, but I would give anything to go back and change the moment that ruined my life. Look at it this way...before Winter ended things, my life was pretty much perfect. I literally had everything. As happy as you make me, I'm missing so many things, especially my career."

Wiping a tear off her cheek, she said, "I understand. I just don't know if I can be with someone whose happiest time is behind him. Even if things worked out for us, I'll never have the man Winter had, and you'll constantly wish you were still him."

Shawn got up and moved so that he was next to Taryn. "But you fell in love with this version of me, and I honestly don't know if you would have loved the other version. I'm not saying I was a bad person, but I was definitely more wrapped up in myself."

There had been times when she'd tried to imagine what Shawn would be like today if he hadn't pushed the car. She knew that were together because of who he became after he'd committed that crime. The broken version of Shawn Mendes was hers; she'd never have had a chance the one that existed before. "I do love this you, but it kills me that you hate him so much."

"I hate what I did, but I know there are positives to who I am now and my life. You're the light in my darkness, honey. If I could do it all over again, I'd have walked away from that car, come home to Toronto, and found you."

She gave him a weak smile. "It's pretty silly to imagine hypothetical situations in the past."

"Exactly," he said as he took her hand in his. "Let's stop playing the 'what if' game and let's focus on what our lives are like right now. I promise you, I don't want Winter back, and I'm sorry that I made it sound that way." It entered his mind that if Taryn interpreted his words like that, Gretchen probably had, too. Soon the whole world might read his quote, which was a dreadful thought.

"What do you want?" Taryn asked, pulling him from his thoughts about the interview.

He let out a long sigh. "I don't know what I want long-term. One day I'd like to make music again, but I have no idea how to get from where I am now to that point. It's like music is on the other side of this huge river and there's no bridge for me to cross to get to it. In the meantime, I want to focus on learning to love myself again, and hearing that you love me really helps with that. For a long time, I didn't think I was worthy of love, but you've changed my mind. The main thing I want right now is to be loved by you and to give you love in return."

Was he saying he loved her or that he wanted to love her? Those two concepts were vastly different, and she wasn't sure if she could stick around waiting for him to reciprocate her feelings if he didn't already. She needed clarification, but she wasn't about to ask him if he felt the same way she did. "That's all I want, too," she responded instead.

He gave her the wide toothy smile that brightened both his face and her heart every time it appeared. "Then let's make this work...for real this time. No more casual, 'in between friendship and dating,' bullshit."

"You're sure? I don't want you taking this step just because you're afraid I'll walk away."

Shawn lifted her onto his lap and wrapped his arms around her tightly. Then he leaned in so that their foreheads were touching. "I love you, Taryn McAllister, and I'm a fool for not telling you that sooner. This is a hundred percent what I want. Will you please be my girlfriend?" His voice was soft and low.

"You love me?" she echoed his question from earlier.

"I've said it twice now, so I think you can believe it," he replied lightly.

"The first time was a little ambiguous."

"What? No...I said that what I want is to give you love. That's so clear."

"Wanting something isn't the same as doing or feeling it, though," she countered.

He chuckled and she felt every vibration since he was holding her so close. "Do you want to argue about this or can I kiss you?"

"I think I need you to tell me one more time first."

"I love you."

She reached up and cupped her hand on his chiseled jaw. "I love you, too."

As Shawn looked into her blue eyes, his future flashed through his brain. He saw himself married to the beautiful woman in his arms. Then he pictured them with several small children. Finally, he saw his wife and kids standing in the front row as he performed on stage. He knew that with Taryn in his life, anything was possible; he could rebuild himself and revive his career. A voice in his head interrupted his vision. "Don't rush things again, you idiot. Let them happen naturally."

"I'm not gonna rush," he whispered to himself.

"What?" She cocked her head in puzzlement.

"I was talking to myself, which I know sounds crazy."

"What aren't you going to rush?"

If they were truly together, honesty was required. "I'm not going to rush us, even though it's my inclination to do so. I want to take things slow."

She chewed her lip for a second. "You mean slower than you did with Winter."

"Basically, yeah. I don't want to push you or smother you."

"I appreciate that, but I don't want you overthinking everything because she got into your head after that interview she did. It took two of you to tango, so if you moved too fast, so did she. We need to take things at the pace that works for us. I promise you that I'll tell you if you're pushing me. As for smothering...I could use a little of that right now. I want the weight of your body on top of me while you suck the air from my lungs with your deep kisses."

He stood up, cradling her in his arms, and took her to the bedroom so he could fulfill her wish.