Fractured [SHAWN MENDES]

~2~

"Where do you want to start today?"

Shawn let out a deep sigh and looked down at his hands instead of at his therapist. Paul had this way of looking at him and seeing into his soul that was sometimes unnerving. "I've been feeling pretty low lately."

"Why do you think that is?"

This was an easy question since the answer was almost always the same. "Guilt."

"Mmmhmm. Understandable. We've talked about this a lot this year. Is there a particular thing you're feeling guilty about right now, or is it more general?" Paul asked from his worn leather chair that was opposite the matching couch Shawn sat on. Between them was a coffee table that had a beautiful pottery bowl.

"Christmas was hell. I was with my family for a couple days because I knew I would feel guiltier if I stayed home. My mum has this look on her face all the fucking time now. Even when she's smiling or happy, her eyes are sad. My dad acts as if nothing has changed, but I have this feeling that he wants to explode at me...like he's holding something in. So for two days I had this huge weight on me from knowing I was responsible for ruining everything. The only good thing was that most of the attention was on my nephew."

"How are things between you and your sister?"

Shawn shrugged. "She's got her hands full with finishing college and having a family of her own. The last time we talked about what I did, which was months ago, she told me outright that she was angry that I'd been in prison when Micah was born. She said she'd needed my support and I wasn't there for her."

"But over the holidays, you and Aaliyah got along? How about her husband? Were things comfortable with him?"

"Jordan has always been fine with me. It's easier for him, though. He's not blood related, so I didn't let him down like I did my family. As for 'Liyah...things were okay. She talked to me and seemed to care about how I was doing. Now that they've moved to Vancouver, I don't get to see her much, which makes it all worse."

Paul took a sip of tea from the same mug he used every session. It said 'World's Greatest Dad,' and Shawn imagined the forty-something man he saw twice a month was probably a really good father. "So some of your guilt was centered on Christmas. It's the first one since you returned to Canada, so that's not surprising. I know I've said this before, but time can be a great healer. Next Christmas should be easier." Shawn didn't respond so he continued, "Were you feeling bad about anything else?"

"Andrew, my former manager, sent me one of those big gift baskets that has all sorts of gourmet foods."

"That bothered you?"

"Well yeah. What I did destroyed my career which meant his main source of income disappeared, too. I really let him down and he should hate me for it," Shawn explained.

Paul took another sip of tea. "I thought you were working on being honest with yourself. It's one of your goals, right?"

"What am I being dishonest about?"

"What you did impacted your career. You made the choice to end it. The judge never said that you couldn't be a musician and in fact, my understanding is that she made special allowances for you to be able to return to the United States to record and tour."

Shawn scoffed. "I never told you that. Did you look up my court case?"

"I did. I felt it was important to have the facts before we began therapy. It's all public record, so I didn't have to dig deep to get this information."

There was an uncomfortable silence until Shawn decided to speak. "Maybe you're right. In theory I could have a career, but what would it be like? I'm a convicted felon, for fuck's sake! That's all anyone is going to think about when they listen to my music!"