Fractured [SHAWN MENDES]

~66~

Shawn knew they needed to have a long talk about tour, but he was hoping it would be later when he wasn't exhausted. He'd given it a lot of thought, however, and believed he had a solution that they'd both be happy with, so maybe it was good they'd moved on to this topic.

"I won't be gone the whole time, honey. Most likely, it'll be broken up into four to six week chunks, and I'll be home in between. Although, I was thinking about something...you didn't get any of the loans, and I know that's horrible for you, but maybe this could be a blessing in disguise. If you don't have a business to run, you could come on tour with me."

Taryn couldn't believe what he was suggesting. "Let me get this straight...you don't love me enough to write a song about me, yet you expect me to drop everything in my life and follow you around the world on tour? That's a little lopsided, don't you think?"

This was not the response he'd anticipated. He knew she'd probably need time to think it over, but the fact that she seemed insulted shocked him. On top of that, she accused him of something that wasn't true. "I never said that I haven't written a song about you because of a lack of love! Don't twist my words!" he said angrily.

"Fine. You didn't say that, but that's what it feels like you're saying. And it hurts! It also hurts that you aren't taking my dream seriously. I'm supposed to just put it on hold for your career?" She wanted to tell him how sexist this was, but she didn't believe that was his motivation. It was more that he was putting his needs ahead of hers.

"Jesus fucking Christ, Taryn! I have tried to support you and you won't let me! I'd buy that warehouse for you right now so that you can move forward with your plan. Don't accuse me of not being supportive because that's a goddamned slap in the face!"

They'd been having this fight since the start of their relationship, and yet neither of them understood the other person's side. Shawn desperately wanted to help her, and giving her money was the least he could do. A large part of Taryn's dream was built on the foundation of doing it on her own, without being beholden to a man. Every time he offered financial help, it proved that he wasn't listening to her.

"There are ways to show support other than with money!" she shouted back. "I called and told you that I didn't get the bank loans, and all you said was that I needed to stay positive. Now you're trying to twist it into being a good thing so that I can tour with you? Sorry, but it's hard for me to see this as anything but shitty."

His cheeks flared red. "So now I'm an unsupportive boyfriend?"

She knew that they were long overdue for this discussion, but now that they were in the thick of it, she was miserable. What had Amber said? Something about how the difficult talks could bring them closer?It didn't feel like they were coming together; in fact, it felt like the opposite.

"You have been at times," she stated.

"How!?"

"Back when I ran into Richie...all you focused on was that I hadn't told you he was in the restaurant. Why? Because you wanted to be a tough guy and kick his ass. You never asked me how seeing him felt! It fucking killed me to stand face to face with a man who targeted me when I was a child! Do you know how many therapy sessions it took for me to even start to resolve that? And you didn't show me any empathy!" Tears rolled down her cheeks as she finally shared how much this had hurt her.

Shawn recollected their fight that night, and she was right. He had turned it so that it was all about him instead of seeing her side of it. "That was really wrong of me and I'm sorry."

"Thank you," she sniffled. "I should have told you how I felt at the time instead of holding it inside for six months."

This was progress, but he needed to address something related to this. "You shut me out a lot, and that's hard on me. For the longest time, I tried to get you to talk about losing your dad. It's frustrating from my end to have you refuse to open up."

"I don't know if this makes you feel any better, but that is something I'm working on in therapy. I know it's a problem and I want to change."

He reached out and touched her shoulder. "I'll try to be more supportive about everything else, but I want you to help me learn what kind of support you need."

She knew that he meant it when he said he wanted to do better, but given how things had been between them, it felt like a last ditch effort to make things work. Something had been on her mind for a few weeks, and this was the right time to share it with him.

"I think we need to take a break, Shawn. We've got some pretty serious issues right now, and I think some space might help us," she said through her tears.

"You want to break up?" he asked, flabbergasted by the suggestion.

She shook her head. "No! I love you, and I want us to be together, but right now, between my job stuff and your music career, and especially if you're going to be gone for most of next year, it might be good if we evaluate what we want and then talk later to see if a this relationship is best for both of us."

"I don't want to do that," he stated firmly.

"But I do. I need the space. Maybe this is more about me than you, and if that's the case, I'm sorry. I'm just feeling uneasy about things with us, and I think we both know that we've been avoiding having a confrontation about our problems. I don't want to keep shoving our issues under the rug anymore, you know? Maybe if we take the romantic and sexual elements out, we can see things more clearly and we'll know if we're meant to be."

The thought of not being able to touch her crushed him. It wasn't just that he'd miss the physical pleasure, though obviously he would since they had an amazingly healthy and active sex life. It was more that he loved connecting with her through intimacy. He could give up sex, but having the kisses, hugs, hand-holding, and words of affection removed from their relationship would hurt.

"Your plan is to return to being just friends?" he asked.

Taryn nodded. "Yes, sort of. It might be good if we kept some distance between us. I think it would be too hard, otherwise. If you want to see other people, please let me know."

"That's the last thing I want!" He was offended that she'd even suggest that.

"I feel the same way. I need to use this time to focus on myself, and you're the only person I want to be with anyway."

He ran his hands through his hair. "We're in love and we only want each other, so I don't understand why you feel this is a good idea."

"It's better than breaking up, and I'm scared that we're headed in that direction. This is going to be hard, and maybe we'll decide it's a mistake, but I want to try it," she said pleadingly.

He hated this idea, but he knew he'd only upset her more by pushing. There had been times lately when he'd been worried about their future, so maybe she was right. "When do we make a decision about whether the break is permanent or if we're going to get back together?"

"I think we'll know when we're ready to do that."