savior complex - kth

007

I knew that if the music from the party downstairs wasn't blaring, my heavy footsteps would be heard from a mile away. I didn't even know where he'd be as of now and I didn't really want to make a scene but my thoughts were a little clouded at the moment.

I went down the stairs that were spiral, unlike the ones I had walked up in. I saw all the groups of people crowded around the living room and in the kitchen, many of them holding drinks and standing in the walkway. I couldn't see Taehyung anywhere but I went farther down to get a better view.

I almost jumped off of the last stair and pushed my way past people who were standing around the kitchen counter, playing a new card game now...but Taehyung wasn't there.

"Is JK oka-" Namjoon started but the glare I gave him seemed to signal how angry I was. Although I like to think I can hide my emotions pretty well, I definitely couldn't when I was drunk. My red face on top of my loud breathing and eyebrows pushed together hard, I think I was being read like a book. "What's wrong?"

"Where is Taehyung?" I said, trying my hardest not to talk through my teeth and seem somewhat not this angry.

"Uh-" Namjoon looked around at the people who seemed to not know as well.

Jimin but in. "He might be in his room. He disappears to there a lot." He seemed unsure of this answer but I didn't care, I would look anywhere. "Grey door."

I was so angry when I walked past the rooms before I hadn't noticed they were all painted different colors, so as I passed them this time I had come to realize there was a red, blue, green, purple, white, black, and finally a grey door. I pushed it opened hard and didn't worry about shutting it behind me.

I noticed Taehyung leaned down over a box filled with vinyls, he didn't move his body to look at me and instead looked at me through the corner of his eye. Only when I walked forcefully towards him he stood up.

So angry in the moment, I pulled my hands up and went to shove him. He stepped back and grabbed my arms, stopping me just in front of him. "What is your problem? Why did you make him drink?" I was trying my hardest not to cry, remembering a few minutes ago when Jungkook threw up in front of everyone at this party.

He only laughed a little, letting go of my arms but stepped away from my again so I wouldn't attempt to come at him again. "It's a party."

I wasn't doing a good job at not crying, cold tears falling down my face in contrast with my burning hot skin. "But you don't make someone drink. Especially when they don't want to."

He took a seat on his bed, it was made up with a fluffy duvet and white sheets. He seemed unaffected by me starting to cry. "It was you that didn't want him to drink. I figured he probably wanted to and you were being a mom. No one likes a mom girlfriend."

"I'm not his girlfriend." I said through my gritted teeth, this lack of responsibility for making Jungkook throw up was fueling my anger. "I am just looking out for him."

A scoff escaped his mouth as he took a sip of his drink and I heard the record player that was once playing piano music was just making a scratching noise. "How was I suppose to know he was such a lightweight?"

Something ignited in me and I wiped the tears off of my face, now raising my voice at him. "I told you to not make him drink! What is wrong with you?!"

"Nothing is wrong with me. You didn't tell me anything." 

I felt like at this point I was arguing with a brick wall, anything I said was not going anywhere or processing in his mind. I could tell by looking at him that this rich kid from New York who was this handsome and stood out in a crowd had gotten everything he had every wanted. I'm sure his parents were some prestigious high classers who bailed him out of any trouble he was in. Though my family had lots of money, we were still taught lessons in life and how to be a decent person. Something he lacked. "I don't get it."

"I don't either." He said back calmly, alluding to me crying about something that didn't even happen to me. Before I could answer he stood up from his spot and walked past me, leaving his record player just playing white noise. He tilted his cup towards me to show it was empty. "Gotta get more."

His calm and collected attitude was getting under my skin like no other. The only person who ever got on my nerves was Jasper but I knew anything he said was coming from a place of love, but the fact that this was coming from a a malice place could drive a person mad. My hands were now pulling on the roots of my hair. "You're infuriating." 

"And you're peculiar." With that he exited the room and turned to hear back downstairs, leaving me standing alone in his room.

I wiped my face again, attempting to get all the wetness off and I looked around at this room I was in. There was art hanging on the wall, drawings of famous actors or singers from before our time, some people who I didn't recognize. Right near his bed was a black and white drawing of Aubrey Hepburn from Breakfast at Tiffany's. The record player seemed to be his main focus in this room, but there was a grey desk, one that matched his door. It was clean except for a bottle of water and piled of papers. Beside his bedside table I noticed a small stand that had a lamp and then a pile of beaten up notebooks, there was a pen shoved in one of them almost at the end. When I approached it I noticed in sharpie, very sloppy, #16 was scribbled on the top. 

I knew in my gut that I shouldn't pick up, I should just leave this room, but I couldn't stop myself. When I picked it up is when I realized the leather and scuffed notebook underneath had #15 scribbled on the front. I noticed two drawers on this bedside table and I slid one open, realizing he had an endless amount of these notebooks, all beaten up and very used.

I looked behind me to see if anyone was upstairs and no one was walking by, I could only assume he was downstairs to stay. He is the one that left me in here, I tried to justify what I was about to do, I then opened the notebook where the pen was.

"No matter how bad things are, you can always make things worse." -Randy Pausch, The Last Lecture

To look at what you are given and feel remorse for ones self is one thing, but to look at another hardships and feel no empathy for what they are going through is another. As I sat and listened to Namjoon tell me about his family not sending him enough money for his first day of class today filled me with an undesirable vexation. He has no right to complain about anything given to him, I couldn't help but feel it was a boastful brag that any money was sent to him at all. Extra money, for extra things. 

"What the fuck are you doing?" Taehyung's voice took me out of the zone I had entered, reading his scribbled handwriting in his world filled with lots of hate. I turned to him, my face no longer red but white. He was coming towards me and quickly.