savior complex - kth

046

Taehyung's POV

The clock in my room was the only sound. Ticking back and forth with every breath I took.

The whole house was silent and I wondered what she was dreaming about. I had brought her to Namjoon's room and let her sleep there. I didn't want her to feel like I had forced her into my room when she was upset with me. I wasn't going to do anything to upset her more.

She mentioned that she could love me. Unconditionally too. It hurt my heart that she felt this way. It also hurt my heart that she knew I wouldn't let her.

Relationships always end bad. I wish I could just have her see the way my brain thinks. It would make things easier.

Namjoon was downstairs partying when we got home and I asked him if Josie could sleep in his room. I knew Joon would take the couch downstairs for her and I was proven right when I went downstairs to check. He was half asleep and hanging off the couch almost.

I owed him for this big time. I also owed him for the lies he was going to inevitably have to tell Josie. I asked that if she asked about the night before he should just tell her it was him. Agree with everything she said. He told me he'd cover for me if I helped him with his writing homework. What he meant was for me to help him credit his book sources.

I only agreed because if she found out I took her away from a party she would be angry with me. If she found out I brought her here she'd be angry with me. If she found out that after her telling me she was done with me I was still interfering with her life she'd be angry with me. If she thought Namjoon took her or she found her way here it would be different.

I sat up when I heard someone knock on my door. I subconsciously held my breath so no sound was heard. Every guy in the whole house never woke up before noon on the weekend, it had to Josie.

The knock happened again but this time her voice came through. "Taehyung?"

I contemplated if I should go up to the door or if I should act asleep. I knew I'd feel guilty if I didn't answer I can't imagine what she's feeling after last night. 

I opened the door and she was standing in front of me. Still wearing my shirt that I handed her before walking her to Namjoon's room. Her eyes were wide as she looked up at me. I wondered in this moment if she was scared of anything or had ever been. With her attention fully on me she seemed fearless. "I'm sorry about last night."

My hand remained on the door handle as I looked back down at her. "What about last night?"

"I'm sure I was embarrassing, and I'm sorry you had to save me." 

"What are you talking about?" I didn't want to make her think she was crazy but I'd rather her take comfort in thinking I wasn't there. 

She looked at me a little confused but regained her composure like she thought she had been wrong. "Didn't you bring me here last night?"

I shook my head. "That was Namjoon."

Her hands gripped onto the side of the shirt she was wearing. It looked like she was going to mention it but she didn't. "Oh. I thought maybe I barged into his room."

I shook my head again. I didn't want to keep talking about this and lying to her so I began to shut the door. 

Her hand reached over and stopped it though. "Was I with you at all through the night?"

"No." I said then shut the door and walked back to my bed. I sighed as I sat down.

"Ask me no questions and I'll tell you no fibs." Oliver Goldsmith wrote in his play 'She Stoops to Conquer'.

I learned to the most about lying while living with my sister. Though I should have learned before that but my parents could have cared less what I was doing. I could tell them I got drunk and fucked some girl and they would just ask me who knows. The obsession with their image was something insane. Only when moving in with Bea did I have someone who got upset when I rolled a blunt or walked in drunk. 

Josie was so different from me. I bet she has never lied in her life. She has never needed to.

How are we so different but seem to feel the same way? 

Getting blackout at a random party and then feeling the need to apologize for anything she had done. I would never consider apologizing to someone. I would simply go on with my life.

She was being soft with me at the door though. Opposite of how she had been the last time I saw her. She said that she cared about me, that I was letting go of someone who gave a fuck about me. It was a sure thing she was done with me.

If letting go of her meant she could be happier and not have to deal with the unimaginable trauma I was trying to force on her. It wasn't her problem to know about my sister, to know about my shitty parents. To know how horrible living conditions were for me before moving here. The living conditions my baby niece deals with.

Me thinking that someone as privileged as her could even understand anything about me. But I was wrong. She told me she could love me like that. That I was holding her back from it. But I don't know if I could ever love someone like that. 

I pushed my hair back and threw on a hat. I was going to Bea's to watch Jamie for the weekend and I prayed I could get my mind off of the things she's said to me.