August [j.p]

012- For you I would ruin myself

Don't call me kid
Don't call me baby
Look at this godforsaken mess that you made me
You showed me colors you know
I can't see with anyone else
-
illicit affairs

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August never understood how some girls didn't eat anything when they were heartbroken because she herself had worked up quite an appetite.

She was sitting in her room stuffing her face with chocolate bars and liquorices wands while trying to work up the nerve to see James again.

She figured that she deserved an explanation this time, not just some crappy excuse about how long distance was too hard and how he wasn't ready for a relationship.

She wanted a reason. Why he never saw her as more when she gave herself up so willingly to him.

She wanted to know if she was a fool for putting her heart on the line.

She wanted to know if falling in love was really worth it.

"Okay, I'm going to do this." August hyped herself up in the bathroom mirror as she brushed her teeth.

After last night she probably couldn't embarrass herself more but the thought of her going over with some liquorices in her teeth irked her.

It was a full 5 minutes before she gathered enough nerve to climb out of the window and a full 10 to finally knock on his.

They never knocked but she thought the circumstances required it.

A red-eyed James made his way to the window and slid it open.

"What do you want?" His voice was hoarse and August bit her lip, feeling horrible that she might've caused this.

No! Why was she feeling horrible. Good, let him cry just like she did for months.

"I want to talk James, really talk. About last night, about us, about last summer. I never got a good explanation and I want one now."

"I don't think that's a good idea." James was torn in two.

"I don't want anything from you August."

The words hit her like a train and she felt the final pieces of her heart break.

She was a fool. A hopeless fool.

"No" she whispered "I don't believe you."

"Believe me." James was fighting back tears of his own. "I don't want you like that, I will never want you like that."

Of course James was lying, he wanted her, my god he wanted her. More than words could ever properly explain, but he didn't want to see her broken and crying again like the night before. And she deserved better than a boy who couldn't choose her with all of his heart.

August wanted to shout at him, curse him out and make him hurt just as much as much as he made her hurt.

"I" she said "am always stuck between giving people everything because I am dying to matter to them, and giving nothing because if they leave at least I am left whole."

"I forgive you James, you're not sorry, but I forgive you."

James felt his heart splinter as she walked away and finally let the tears fall.

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Sirius Black saw himself in August Williams.

Maybe it was the childhood trauma that a broken home caused or their way of coping through humor, but he figured it was because she was on her own, just like him.

They were both the type of people who could handle the world, but at the same time needed to be loved so desperately. Sirius had found his match and solace in Remus, August found hers in James.

The only difference was that he got to keep Remus, she didn't get to keep James.

"Hey" he said as he stood beside her.

She was sitting on a piece of wood that had fallen over, looking at the great expanse of the lake.

He could see the tear tracks on her cheeks.

"Hi." She whispered back, almost inaudible.

Her voice was hoarse from crying and it was strange for him to see the all-or-nothing girl looking so sad and alone.

Sirius sat down on the snow between her legs, ignoring the cold seeping through his trousers.

"It sucks, doesn't it?"

"It really fucking does." She laughed bitterly.

"I hate him" she sniffled and rubbed her nose. "I hate him for giving up on me, on us. I hate him for hurting me, for making me cry. I hate him for leaving me, not once but twice. I hate him for ruining everything we had, for making me trust him. I hate him for making me love him so much. But mostly I hate him for making me the fool, because I still love him despite everything."

Sirius contemplated telling her about Lily, but he figured that it would be like kicking her when she was already down.

She had a right to know about the girl James chose, the same way Lily deserved to know about the girl that made him doubt.

But there was a time and place for everything and Sirius knew that this was something James had to do himself. So he sat there in silence offering her what he could, his ear and his shoulder and company.

Loneliness loves company.

"The scary part is I can never know whether everything was a lie. Every promise, every soft kiss, every look" she swallowed hard "Maybe it all meant nothing. Did I mean something to him? Or was I just some random girl, a way to soothe his ego, or a passing hobby - one that you spend so much time on that you eventually get bored of it. Never a necessity and just a mere whim."

"Sometimes" Sirius started "You keep someone who hurts you because the happiness you feel when you're with them is more than the pain they bring."

His hand found hers in the layers of fabric that they were wearing to brave the cold, and even though Sirius could no longer feel his butt and it hurt to blink their eyes, they sat there. In complete silence because sometimes words cannot bring comfort to the broken hearted and silence is like the only reprieve you'll find.

So Sirius sat there, with her and stared at the frozen lake.