August [j.p]

037- Crossing out the good years

I didn't have it in myself to go with grace
And so the battleships will sink beneath the waves
You had to kill me, but it killed you just the same
-
my tears ricochet

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James shook his head, stared at his Quidditch poster for a split second, contemplated moving too another continent and then finally decided to storm after August.

"Where the fuck are you going!" He echoed after her, "Augustine."

His long strides reached hers as they moved out of the front door and into the lawn.

"Don't you dare say that name ever again!" She ripped her hand from his frantically before storming further away.

"Yeah, do what you always do best! Run away and don't even bother too explain." James continued on after her.

"You're a big fucking mess Augustine Williams and I am so sick of trying to figure you out the whole time!" He screamed, anger making his cheeks flush and his veins pop.

August stopped mid-stride with her back too him before spinning around wildly. He had never seen hatred to carelessly displayed.

"You have no fucking idea what I've been through Potter, so shut your mouth and go run back inside."

"Maybe I'd have an idea if you told me!" James pushed his hair back in frustration and turned around before looking back at her.

"I wish women didn't have too rip open their pasts to show you everything and let you ogle our pain for you to believe us." Her voice cracked as if it hurt to speak.

"I don't owe you my story James; so stop acting like you're entitled too it."

James stood there speechless, "You don't owe it to me?"

"You don't owe it to me?" He repeated and laughed bitterly.

"Did you hear that everyone? She doesn't owe it to me." He shouted for the neighborhood to hear.

"You don't owe it to me, but you'd think that you'd trust me enough to tell me."

"Trust you? James how can I ever trust you again?" She asked helplessly.

"The same way you forgave me when I didn't write back. The same way you just dismissed everything I did wrong because you are so good. You're so good." He grabbed onto her desperately. "And I hate you for being so good because it made me realize what a dick I am."

"I took you for granted and I hate you because you'll probably forgive me one day even when I don't fucking deserve it." Tears streamed down his face and gathered on his eyelashes.

"Don't forgive me August, don't ever forgive me because I don't deserve it."

"James, James, you're making a scene." She tried too loosen his grip and drag him away from the prying eyes of neighbors who had nothing better to do.

"Oh my God! Fucking incredible." James said sarcastically.

"Just stop being perfect for a second! Let people hear, let them realize that you're not perfect!" He shouted and made direct eye contact with the lady from the cornerstone.

"James, stop." August begged.

"Who are you Augustine, who are you really? Because I feel like I've never even known you." James continued on.

"For the love of Merlin, James stop!" She shouted at him.

"Stop it! You've hurt me enough and now you want to publicly humiliate me? I came here because I wanted to move on, I wanted to heal and all you do is make this ten times harder. You want to know what really happened, what I keep on hiding? Fine."

She breathed in deeply and stepped away from him, "My own step-father sexually abused me."

"Happy? Happy now that you finally know?"

James stared at her blankly his mouth gaping and his heart dropping to his stomach.
"August-"

"Yeah." She smiled sadly as tears fell down her own cheeks.

"It's uh- it's why I changed my name, to get away from the memories." She sniffled.

"I- uh" James looked for the right words, but there were none.

He couldn't say anything, couldn't ever do anything. He pressured her into revealing trauma that she wasn't ready to. He brought up memories and he ignorantly made her remember, over and over.

It made him no better than the man who did it.

"Fuck." He breathed out.

"You don't have to say anything, as long as you believe me." She shrugged.

"Why wouldn't I believe you?"

"Because no one ever does." She spat out viciously. "When I was 16, old enough to make my own case, I went against him in court. My own mother, she testified against me and he got to walk free. Of course the rumors were flying around so she left with me and left him behind. But I never got my justice."

"I'll fucking kill him." James seethed.

"Refrain from doing so until I've reopened the case again, it's why I came here."

"I'm leaving, for France, for trial and I don't think I'll see you again, don't think I want to. But I needed closure and an explanation and I needed to tell you that if Lily is the one, then for the love of Merlin just marry her."

"I don't want to lose you." The words burning inside of him finally came to surface. "I love you. I love everything about you. I love your brown eyes even though you say they're plain and it makes me so angry when you say that because nothing about you could ever be plain. I love your small hands and I love the birthmark shaped like a cloud on your thigh. I love your laugh and I love your kindness. You're going to walk away from me and you're going to take all the happiness in the world with you. I don't deserve you after what I did but I still want you."

He stood there helplessly, "Please, just don't go."

"I have to go." Her voice cracked with sadness.

"If I could go back to one moment in time and space, I would go back to the moment I lost you and fix it." He admitted

James knew that this was the end, that no matter how hard he tried and prayed, things would never be the same. They were soulmates who weren't meant to be, lovers destined for a tragic ending.

"There's no use dwelling in the past, just learn from it." She replied gently.

James marveled at her, how despite it all she wasn't hateful or petty, she was empathetic and kind. Everyone should strive to be a little like August, even if they just achieved a fraction of her goodness.

"Goodbye James." She finally said.

His body ached at the idea of never seeing her again; he would never see her again. Maybe in passing or fleeting moments but he would never truly see her again.

He wanted to fight, wanted to follow her and convince her that they were forever but he knew that for the sake of her own happiness he had to remove her heart from his grip, he wasn't man enough to care for it.

She was giving him a last chance to do the right thing, and that was to let her go.

So he did.