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ɪꜱ ᴛᴏᴅᴀʏ ᴀ ɢᴏᴏᴅ ᴅᴀʏ ᴛᴏ ᴅɪᴇ?

***

You were at the edge. Very literally. You didn't care to question yourself again why you were on the roof of the avengers tower at 3am.

You wanted to die.

The view from the roof was just breathtaking. Stars and a yellow moon out in full brightness- it looked surreal. The world was a little quieter standing here. Your life was so busy, so noisy, and being up here helped to remind you of calm in chaos.

But today you weren't here to simply admire the view.

The cold whipped at your face, and the wind upset your hair; you kept your breathing as steady as it could be as you looked down at the sidewalk below, dark and gloomy. It was a very long drop...but this would be the quickest way.

And the catalyst to it all- you'd failed your most recent mission. A complete fluke. Lives, innocent lives had been lost and this time the blood was on your hands. With that, carried indescribable guilt-and you had been cracking for long before now.

It wasn't 'usually like you' , but- unbeknownst to the team- you were diagnosed with severe depression and anxiety a year and a half ago now: sly doctors appointments had become the norm, and you were an excellent liar. Since then, things had gotten worse,
and worse.

You were also running on very little sleep- it was hard to concentrate. Concentration could not be afford to be lost in this job- Fury had made that clear to you in lecture after lecture.

Before all this you chose to have no one know so you had to carry on.

But that was the problem,
you just couldn't anymore.

It was impossible.

You drew in a long, shaky breath and shut your eyes. You were ready, and this was it. Don't think too much about it. Your right foot shuffled closer to the edge, dragging on the concrete, as if your body was willing you not to do this, and your left foot was about to follow suit when-

"Y/N?"

Shit shit shit

A voice from behind you. You wiped your tears before whipping your head around and stepping down from the roof quickly.

Steve.

You were living tonight then.

You rushed past him quickly and he said not a word as he turned to look at you walk through the door and hurry down the stairs. You hoped some miracle would make him forget that ever happened. And you hoped and prayed to god that he wouldn't tell Tony.

You were extremely close with all the avengers; being Tony's daughter and one of the youngest of them all, but Steve was always so busy you talked to him the least and so you found
yourself wondering if he would keep it a secret.

If the rest of the team- if dad- found out, Fury and S.H.I.E.L.D wouldn't let you on any more missions and one thing you desperately needed right now was to keep yourself occupied. The less time you spent caught up in your thinking, the better.

You also found yourself wondering why Steve was up there at 3am. On the roof. You had told F.R.I.D.A.Y sternly not to alert anyone where you were going, what you were about to do.

But you knew that she watched when you cried yourself to sleep. When you washed the blood down the sink in the bathroom.
It was easy to cover the cuts with a bandage and say it was from your mission.

No one suspected.

You were back to your room now, and you climbed under the covers.

That night you felt nothing. You didn't even cry. You lay in bed thinking. Worrying about Steve telling, about your failed mission. The avengers had all been supportive, Fury had been pissed, but they all knew it was unlike you. Eventually it wasn't long before your worries swallowed you up in what would surely be a restless sleep.