ＢＲＯＫＥＮ

ᴄʀɪᴍᴇ & ᴘᴜɴɪꜱʜᴍᴇɴᴛ

Bucky and Nat were there when I woke up- feeling weak, and groggy, and tired. They told me what happened- I didn't remember.

It seemed my father and Steve had terrible hangovers, and were sleeping them off. The rest of the team were up but they didn't know what had happened- and I told Nat and Bucky I would like it to stay that way.

The rest of the day went slow. Nothing much was happening, so I just found myself reading 'crime and punishment' in the living room when it was dark outside, curled up next to the fireplace, a blanket around me, feeling cozy as ever.

Stopping every once in a while to get my ruler and pen and underline a quote I liked.

Someone walked into the room, but I was engrossed in my book, not wanting to look up and see who it was.

I carried on reading for a little while, before thinking about it and realising It was rude; I must look like I was ignoring them. So with a little sigh I closed the book, siding my bookmark into the page. I was a little more than halfway into the book.

I look up with a smile, and immediately see Bucky, sat just watching me, from an armchair.
I place my book on my lap, and pull the blanket higher around me.

Bucky looks at the book in my lap and furrows his brows, holding out a hand in front of him. I pick up the book and frisbee throw it perfectly to him, him catching it effortlessly with his metal arm without even a thud.

When he catches it and turns it around he looks up at me, face completely surprised. He looks back down and starts to flip through the book. Reading all of my annotations.

I just wait, hugging my knees closer to my chest under the blanket and listening to the soft crackles of the fire.

"Suffering is part and parcel of extensive intelligence and a feeling heart." I look up at him reading from the book, remembering the quote he spoke- one i'd underlined.

He flipped to another page, and lifted the book a little as he read from it again. "Talk nonsense, but talk your own nonsense, and I'll kiss you for it. To go wrong in your own way-
"Is better than to go right in someone else's." I finished the quote, not really realising I'd spoken out loud until a slight blush creeps on my cheeks.

Now I'd just exposed my inner nerd.

He just looked up and smiled.

"Well i don't know what I was expecting but it definitely wasn't Dostoevsky." He chuckled a little.

"Yeah, well. I surprise a lot of people." I replied, smiling. "It's a good book." I concluded, and he nodded.

"I read it." He said, matter of factly. "Before the whole uh- fall thing. I don't think I can read it again now, it'd be too......." he paused for a minute, turning to stare into the fire, letting out a breathy chuckle. "I guess relatable." He almost whispered. I dropped my head- understanding.

"Yeah." I just said, nodding, staring down at the fluffy pink fabric of the blanket . HYDRA had crossed my mind more than twice reading the book.

He plonked the book back in my lap, smiling a little

"Enjoy." He said as he walked out, leaving me alone again.

I stared at the book for a while, before I decided I wasn't in the mood to pick it up. I just sighed and rubbed a hand on my forehead.

HYDRA.

I thought about them, thought back to what had happened, and traced a hand on the cut that was blending into a scar on my cheek. The memories were painful, yes.

I thought about before. About my depression. About the countless doctors appointments and the therapy.

My therapist.

How could I have forgotten about her. She was lovely- did she know what had happened? If she did was she angry at me for giving in?

I needed to talk to her.

I slipped my phone out of my pocket and headed to my contacts, scrolling down the list of the team, different agents, even Fury, until I found her.

She was simply labelled 'Devina' and I clicked on her name, bringing up her details. I hovered over the call button a long time.

Before, she'd said I could call her at any time- but it was nearly 10 now.

Was that too late?

She didn't have a husband or children, she lived by herself- and from what I gathered she was happy with that.

She was an ex-agent- pretty authoritative back then.  A therapist specifically reserved for the avengers. Which meant she could know everything and I didn't have to hold back information.

I bit my nail while my finger hovered.

Before my hand moved too quick for my brain to decide, and I was calling her. Sighing and tapping my foot I brought the phone up to my ear.

"Y/n?" I heard and I sighed, hearing her voice for the first time.

"Dev." I replied.

"Oh wow- where- where have you been?" She asked.

"I uh-." My eyes started to well up with tears, and I clenched a non-bandaged fist to try and stop them.

"I jumped off a roof." I whispered. "And HYDRA took me." One tear had fell, and I just let it.

There was a silence at the end of the phone- god she was mad at me wasn't she.

"Y/n." She said solemnly. "Oh my god I'm not angry. I'm not angry." She practically read my mind. She was a great judge of character and emotions, even not in person. "What did they do?" She approached the question softly, calmly.

I took a deep breath and told her everything. Told her everything about coming home, the second trip to Russia and about the run. Going into more detail than what I had told Bucky.
When I was finished with all this, I sniffled.

"I'm uh- I'm trying to process it all. The memories are still fresh, still hard to think about. I'm scared it's going to happen again, scared I'm gonna fall back into the hole. I just- I just- God it sounds selfish but......... I just want to be happy." I finished, sobbing quietly.

My feelings were being let out, everything since I got back home, all poured out of me, stripping me bare- making me vulnerable.

"You will be." She reassured. "I know you will."
I smiled a little, thanking her through the phone before she said:

"Listen you don't have to come and see me, we can phone, that's completely fine. But, I would like to discuss meds with you." I nodded, and closed my eyes.

"Okay."

"You have a good evening now, alright?" She told me and my eyes opened as I smiled half-heartedly again.

"Thank you. Bye." I said and she repeated, and I ended the call.

I put my phones down and put my hands over my face, crying even more now, trying to hold myself together.

I'm so scared.
So scared.

My hands were becoming wet with tears and my head had begun to pound softly. I lifted it, and wiped my puffy eyes, steadied my breathing and leaning back in my chair, staring up at the ceiling.
And staring,
Staring.........
........Staring

staring until my mind went away from me and I was plunged into sleep.