ＢＲＯＫＥＮ

ᴛʜɪꜱ ɪꜱ ɪᴛ

A part of you knew who was going to be standing at that door. But you denied it, and you believed yourself.

So that's why you were now standing in front of Steve.

You had been putting off the conversation for days, it was bound to happen eventually.

"Come in." you said with a small smile and ushered Steve into your bedroom, closing the door behind you. He stood there looking at you for a while. It would seem neither of you knew where to start, who even has this conversation?

"Y/N." he started after a while, here we go then. "Are you okay?" He said softly, his eyes locked firmly on your face.
So we're going down this route then.

No.

You weren't okay. And you wanted desperately to say something, to tell him that you were a mess, that you felt like no one could help, like the only way out was death. But of course you couldn't tell him, you couldn't tell anyone. You didn't want to be treated different, like you were the weakling. You didn't want to be told to stay at home. No pity.

You sucked up your feelings.

"Yeah." You smiled widely and sweetly "Yeah, why wouldn't I be?"

You hoped you were convincing. You were always a good liar, it helped greatly to get you out of sticky situations. But today, now, you were wavering. Steve knew it.

"I just. I just want to know.....Y/N. Why were you on the roof? What's going on?" He said with genuine concern on his face. He cared about you. You knew it deep down, you knew he was worried for his friend. But he'd gone through this with Bucky already, you'd seen the toll it had took on him. He didn't need the stress, he had important jobs to do, they all had.

You had.

As much as you needed him- anyone- you just couldn't do it to him. Not yet.
Maybe not ever.

"I was-"

Shit

"I was-" You stammered once again.

You couldn't think of an excuse. You couldn't think. You racked your brain again and again for an answer, for an excuse, something to get you off the hook, out of this mess. But your brain came up short. Again and again. Your breathing was getting heavier.

When you became aware of this you tried to keep it as quiet and steady as you could. You didn't need to be given away this way. You slipped out of your trance and focused back on him, your face stone cold.

You shook your head

Back and forth

Back

and forth

Your words had failed you
Your breathing heavier and raspier by the second

Your eyes were getting red, the tears welling up before you could stop them. You dropped your head to try and hide them as they fell hot and fresh down your cheeks quietly. You stood like that for a while, crying silently.

Steve approached slowly, quietly. You wondered what he'd do, what he'd say. You'd put him in an impossible situation, you'd just told the one man out of all the team that you virtually never spoke to that you wanted to die.

You couldn't do right, you hurt everyone around you.

You hurt Steve, Bucky, you'd killed innocent people. When was it going to end. When were you going to stop self destructing everything around you, destroying every good thing you had. At the dinner, you could've joined anyone's conversations, they would gladly welcome you in and you knew it. Instead you sat there, feeling left out.