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ᴡʜᴇɴ ɪᴛ ʀᴀɪɴꜱ

It was 3am.

I was standing on the roof.

I knew that I wasn't going to jump.

I didn't want to.

I guess I needed closure.

I breathed in deeply, and shut my eyes. Let the cool breeze of the night kiss my face. I held out my arms either side of me, and let the wind wrap around me. It whistled, and sung. It seemed to talk to me in that moment.

My feet were placed on solid concrete, my body was rooted.

My mind was quiet.
It was silent in there.

There were no muddled thoughts, no regret, no guilt, no flashbacks, no memories, no annoyance.
There was just me.
Just the night and the wind.

It started to rain, and I smiled.
The little specks of cold that landed all over my body, slowly at first.
Before it became torrential.

And here I was, my eyes still closed, listening to the sound in the midst of New York City.

I breathed deep again, my hair becoming soaked, and my clothes sticking to me.
I laugh.

I am here, in this moment. I don't want to jump, I don't want to die.

I want to live.

I want life.

I carry on laughing, and open my eyes.

I spin around in the rain, before I am jumping up and down and splashing in the puddles and spinning and running and feeling the wind whip at me wherever I go, feeling the rain make my cheeks red.

And I carried on like that, dancing and laughing into the night with the wind and the stars and the rain and moon for company.

I settled against a brick wall on the roof, by the door, the rain still heavy.

I just looked out at the world, before closing my eyes and breathing in deeply again, the smell of rain filling my nostrils- a comforting smell.

"y/n." I stirred, still deep in my mind.

"hey, y/n." A voice. The darkness slipping away, opening my eyes.

It wasn't raining, and Bucky was before me, crouched down.
I laugh.

"Oh my god, I'm so sorry. I- I fell asleep." I said with a chuckle wiping my eyes. Bucky just smiles and points to a spot on the floor next to me, raising his eyebrows. I nod and he sits down, head against the wall, looking out at the city, still dark.

I turn my head back towards it. Each of the stars shining bright, and the moon shaped in a crescent.

"It's beautiful isn't it." I stated, never turning my head.

There was a moment of silence.

"I used to come up here, almost every night while you were gone. Just worrying. I didn't know if you were alive or not. It was quiet up here what with the spell Loki cast. I could think. Living in a big city is overwhelming," He trailed off, and I found myself willing back tears.

"Y/n, what did they do to you?" He turned to me, and I looked once before looking back at the sky, and starting to speak.

"I woke up in hospital- A nurse told me that I was in a coma for 5 months and I wondered why no one was there when I woke up- but thought nothing of it. Then I got assessed by this weird doctor, and then I woke up in a new room. They tried to uh brainwash me - it hurt like hell but it didn't work and they really didn't like that. I'm not sure what they're were planning to with me- wether I'd be a soldier." I lowered my head.

"I guess it was the ring that stopped it from working but I didn't know about it at the time."

I took a deep breath. "The doctor would interrogate and I guess torture me- that's how I got this cut. They beat me up- about 5 guys. I didn't try and fight- I couldn't, they broke my leg even worse. They kept me in a cold cell- They tried to drown me, and I didn't have my powers to control the water. But- I exploded one day, knocked out everyone around me, stole the ring and escaped- jumped out of a window." There wasn't much left to say, I wasn't conscious for long. Just under a month.

Bucky had been with them for years.

The tears spilled over then. I had it so easy compared to him.

He put a metal hand on my back.

"You went through so much." He said, his voice deep and wavering. I knew he wasn't just talking about HYDRA.

I shook my head through my tears.

"I had it easy." And he knew I was talking about his experience. He just lowered his head again.

"We'll get through it." He said, and he was smiling through tears
I nodded.

"Y/n I just- I have to ask what are you doing on the roof? You weren't going to-"
"No." I replied, cutting him off. He nodded in relief.

"I think- I think I needed closure or something. I don't want to die anymore- i just..wanted a solution. I didn't see a way through. I should've asked someone for help."

And I realised I'd never told him.

"I was up on the roof, on the ledge late one night, and Steve found me. I don't know what he was doing up there but I said nothing and hurried away hoping he wouldn't tell anyone. He came to talk to me after dinner, and I just snapped. That's how I uh- found myself there again." I was full on crying now.

Bucky was silent listening to me.

"I had a bunch of different reasons why. I felt like a bad friend- I uh."

I contemplated telling him.

"I found you, one night, months ago on the roof. You were shaking, you were sitting right here. You were having a panic attack. I had them myself, often enough to know what it felt like. But, I left you. I didn't know why, and I still blame myself for that. Not being a friend when I could've." I sniffled.

"I did it to myself. I chose to jump because I thought you would all be better off without me, and because I didn't see a future. I did it to myself."

I looked at him, and he was shaking his head, tears falling, eyes red in the moonlight.

"Did anyone ever tell you what happened that night?" He asked, and I was immediately confused. I shook my head.

"When you jumped, Peter went after you. Stark was about to follow but-"

There was a long silence from him, the wind whipping.

I was worried now.

"But Peter, he got shot." Bucky said gravely.
"By them. They were waiting there."

My breathing quickened, and I dropped my head, mouth wide open.

"Pete." I whispered, and tears came faster. "Oh my god."

"Hey." Bucky said sternly, and I looked up at him. "None of this is your fault. You were struggling, so hard. You covered it up so well even I didn't see it. You've been through hell and back and you've survived. You've been to the darkest places and you've come back out again. Don't you ever think any of this is your fault." He said, looking you in the eyes. I just took a deep breath, and nodded.

"thank you." I almost whispered, and he smiled a little miserably, before pulling me into a hug.

I just sighed, and he pulled back after a while.

"Get some sleep. We've got a long day tomorrow." He said softly, ruffling my hair with a non- metal hand and I nodded before standing up, stretching my legs and arms a little, and giving him a little smile as he still sat, before he turned his head back straight forward and I walked down to my room.